"You must act in your friend's interest whether it pleases him or not; the object of love is to serve, not to win" - Woodrow Wilson

The last quarter of 2005 was a roller coaster ride. And most of it revolved around a recurring theme which doesn't really concern me, but has deeply affected me. To this day, it still causes me sadness. But then again, it's not my life to lead, not my mistake to commit, not my stupidity to regret.

But I digress.

Looking back at the past year, I could definitely say that it was a much better year, in terms of work. I gained the weight that I lost at this time last year [after i just quit AIU]. Too much weight, in fact, that most of my clothes are Tight. notice the capital "T". Signs of a good year. I was able to manage my work-related stress better, albeit i had to manage a different kind of stress as compared to the time when i was in AIU. I still don't know which one I'd choose: AIU or Smart. I dunno. Can i just be a housewife instead? Harhar! Joke!

I've also been talking to Bucky about my plans of going to Singapore next year. I think it hit him hard knowing that I could really be leaving so soon. Whenever we discuss this, he either pretends he doesnt care ("Bahala ka...") or he tells me not to go. But lately, i think, he's more open to the idea. I think he knows that I need this. I'm also scared that we won't be able to stand the stress of long distance relationship, or that we'll find other partners, or that the love will just die out because of not being together. But then again, i don't want that as my reason for staying, that i'll stay just because of fear. I know that if I sacrifice not going to Singapore for the sake of preserving my relationship with Bucky, I will have regrets. And at some point in my life, when I've settled down with him, i will lash out at him because of those regrets. Ayoko naman ng ganun.

Going back to my main topic: "You must act in your friend's interest whether it pleases him or not; the object of love is to serve, not to win"... Someone dear to me, almost like the sister I never had, is walking into a kind of life that I know is going to be full of pain. Because of some things that were unexpected (but a blessing nonetheless), she's so intent on her decision. i've asked her to think about things because this one decision will affect her future life's happines, and 2 other people. I've already been part of the life she wants to take. I know what could happen. Hay, its unfair to always compare her future to the life that I had. But she wouldn't lose anything if she'll think about what I told her.

It's so hard to be scared for someone else. But then again, it's not my life to lead, not my mistake to commit, not my stupidity to regret. So I let it go. I've helped her in the best way I can. I hope she doesn't resent me for almost crossing the border of being mean.

I have a knack for feeling "what will most likely happen". I've proven it so many times since i was a child. Call it superstition, but I listen to my gut. And right now, my gut is telling me that she should be more discerning on what she should do and what is best for her. Despite that, I sincerely hope she'll be happy, and that i'll be proven wrong. i'll be gladly proven wrong on this one. For her sake.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --

"You must act in your friend's interest whether it pleases him or not; the object of love is to serve, not to win"
- Woodrow Wilson

"Don't let anyone rob you of your imagination, your creativity, or your curiosity. It's your place in the world; it's your life. Go on and do all you can with it, and make it the life you want to live. "

— Mae Jemison

"It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp."

~ Anonymous ~

The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.
Author: Ambrose Bierce

Quiet Desperation 2

Another piece from my work-angsty-BF:

"Aspice, officio fungeris sine spe honoris amplioris"

It means -- Face it, you're stuck in a dead end job.

A lot of Generation X' ers can fully grasp the meaning of this statement. Its as though you were hit by a rock or you urinated after holding it for a few hours. The sudden physical impact causes a jolt of existential awarness, so to speak. The sudden pain or pleasure makes you realize that you are still alive! Unfortunately, however, realizing that you exit, you start to ask yourself . . . What am I doing here? Squeezing the depths of your awarness, you find no answer. It is as though the answer does not come in one sitting but in stages. It may be a process. Who knows?

For now, I find solace in the fact that sometimes (not all the time) in my vocation, I become an instrument of God's justice, in man's feeble attempt to emulate with god-like precision,by casting upon his fellow man the rewards for doing what's right and the burden for doing what's wrong.

Quiet Desperation

Bucky has been working for almost 2 years now. Like most of us, the 2nd year of working in the corporate world really takes a toll on one's psyche. On my second year, I remember feeling trapped, feeling scared to quit my job to look for a new one, feeling insecure & so unsure of my skills and even myself. It was on the 2nd year when I began to seriously think of finding a new job. It was delayed for a year, until finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I guess this is true for most of my batchmates. Either they stayed on with same company but moved to a different position or group, or really moved to another company, another industry, another country. Very few of us were lucky to succeed in the field of our passion. I'm not one of them.

Anyway, here is what Bucky has to say:

"Living the life of quiet desperation, amidst the monotony and drudgery of daily existence, man in his search for meaning can only hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel and the rains will come though the sun is scorching. And so, as I, more appropriately as we, the citizens of the this earth, go about our usual grind, we should always remember that every thought, word or action can change our world forever. Unfortunately, however, we have to change ourselves first.

Remember that biatch!"

Hope this message will enlighten you – God bless you!

"Every day should be a good day and you should live it like it's your last. Some people live a life of anger, frustration, pain, jealousy, and/or dishonesty, but all of these things will come to pass when your time here is over. Just take a moment to think, we will not be on this earth forever.

One day, we will not have to worry about going to work or how we will make our car payment. We will not have to worry where our next meal will come from, or how we can buy that beautiful house. At anytime, God could take us off of this earth, so you should appreciate today and not worry about tomorrow, for nobody knows what tomorrow will bring.

When you wake up each morning, thank the Lord for waking you up. When you lie down to sleep at night, thank the Lord for another day. If you have a job, thank the Lord for your place of employment. Ask that He may bless you in everything that you do. Ask Him to give you the knowledge and the wisdom to do your job. If you don't have a job, thank Him anyway. Ask him to direct you to the job that is right for you. When you are eating breakfast, lunch or dinner, say a prayer. Thank the Lord for providing food and nourishment to your body. If you are healthy, thank the Lord for the health and strength in your body. If you aren't, thank Him anyway for life, and ask Him to heal your body. So the next time that you get mad, think twice. The next time you complain about something at your job, think twice. T

he next time you say you wish you had steak instead of chicken, think twice. Be thankful for what you have, and the life that God has given you. Pray and ask the Lord for guidance. Be sincere, as God knows whether or not we mean it from the heart. Help those in need as a gift from your heart, and not so you can get a pat on the back. Put forth the extra effort in everything that you do. Go after what you want in life, and do whatever it takes to achieve your goals. No matter how perfect you think you are, there is always room for improvement, and an opportunity for you to do better. If you are depressed, don't cry just hold your head up and the Lord will help you through.

Pray and ask the Lord to deliver you from your state of depression. Whatever it is that you are depressed about, God will take that pain from your heart. It may not be at that moment, or that next hour, or maybe not even the next day, but He WILL do it if you just believe in Him. God may not show up when YOU want Him to, but He's ALWAYS right in time. God will not give us more than we can bear. Sometimes He will present us with issues that will test our faith, but you have to be strong enough to believe that God will do exactly what He says.

The message for today is to praise the Lord, have faith in the Lord, give thanks to the Lord, and live every day like it is your last. Theoretically speaking, if the Lord never does anything else for us, other than wake us up each day, put food in our mouths and clothes on our backs, we should thank Him anyway. He died so that we could have life on this earth. "

--- Anonymous ---

AMORE.

"..love is passion, obsession, someone you cant live w/out. If you dont start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels, find someone you can love like crazy & who'll love you the same way back. and how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart..Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back..the truth is there is no sense living your life w/out this. To make the journey & not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived at all.."

Before getting hurt, before taking the risk, it has to be someone who'll love you the same way back, not someone who'll treat you like a doormat.

Amen.

While waiting for my ride...

this afternoon, my boss, my teammate and I hid in a mini-conference room to discuss the demise of my teammate. She's been contemplating resigning for a long time now but I didn't expect that it would be this soon. something must have irritated her today that sparked her head off. i told her to think it over. she might be making a rash decision.

i guess i have worked for so long that i don't let the little things get to me. Manhid na ako. Well, I guess, it's really a series of disappointments that build up and finally make me realize that I'm already miserable.

Bucky said that one should use one's "miserable-ness" when deciding to leave a job. He's right. Let's be realistic. Only so few of us are really happy with our work. I am lucky to have 1 such friend. but for most of us, it really is a drag. we complain every morning, waking up with heavy... everything, staring into the computer & pretending to work, never getting satisfied with the pay, with management, with almost everything. Well, if you're not doing what you love, wherever you work, no matter how much pay you get, work will always be as it is. A DRAG. so given that, decide to leave work when it has gone beyond the point of just being a drag. if you're utterly & totally miserable that you take unannounced leaves, you submit mediocre work, then leave. but if you can still take it, stay a while. things may get better, or your attitude may change, or until you become miserable.

whereever you go, make sure that it pays more than your previous job. it's the only sure thing about work that you can count on. don't get a pay cut, hoping that the work conditions are going to be better. No, you wouldn't know for sure if it really is better until you're inside. at some point or another, it's going to be the same corporate bullshit anyway. So count on something that is tangible at first hand, your PAY.

TOUGH LUCK for millions of us...

BLOGGING Anniversarry

3 years of blogging (sep2002 - sep2005)

- writing down useless thoughts, channeling excess energy, processing my psyche, adding garbage in the net.

long-live pyschopath bitches!!!!!!!!!!!! hurrah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Have a dream; have a plan; and take risks" - Simeon Manuel Paterno

DO NOT SETTLE.

"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick.

Don't lose faith.

I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what Id id. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers.

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking.

Don't settle.

As with all matters oftheheart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it.

Don't settle."

~ Steve Jobs (Stanford Commencement)

Not-Just-Random-Thoughts

I had an exciting weekend. Details not be be disclosed. The events actually do not directly concern me but they have caused me to wonder on relationships, human weakness, & forgiveness. No, I didn't go to a bible seminar or something like that. Something happened that caused me to look into my own life & if I have the right to judge other people.

The single point of contention is INFIDELITY.

When I was younger, I would see it all the time in the TV, komiks, books... Always distant, but never directly experiencing it. Now that I'm in my mid-20s and my parents are going through midlife hell, I am thrown right in the middle of it. My dad had (or still has) an affair. It wrecked my mother (and she is still recovering even after 2 years of "reconciliation"), my brother's & my relationship with dad. It's a reality that is so destructive to the basic relationship between a man & a woman.

Or is it?

Maybe we have just been socialized to accept that infidelity is bad, that having only one "legal" life partner is the right thing? But isn't looking for someone who will love you, and you alone, a basic human need that pre-dates socialization?

I don't know. And nobody would have an answer, I guess.

As for me, I believe that infidelity only becomes destructive insofar as the infidel seeks out a real relationship with another person. Casual sex and one-night-stands don't count (as long as it doesn't develop into a relationship). If a relationship between the infidel & the other person grows, sentimentalities & attachments are created. Which fucks up everything. Just like what my father did.

I am affected so much by what happened this weekend because it hits so close to home. I may have not been cheated on, but I've had experienced first hand the destructive force of cheating. More so that it happened to my family (not just in a BF-GF relationship) where one cannot just cut off ties to start anew.

But then again, it's not my life. Even if I am affected, I don't have any say in the exciting events that transpired this weekend. I just hope that the people I care about don't get hurt as I was and don't sacrifice as much as I did.

Luncbreak

Ranting

I've been skipping between doing work & surfing the net. I can't seem to bring myself to concentrate on work. I am so distracted lately. And bitchy about work. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find the perfect job for me. When I was in AIU, I enjoyed the job: talking to users, documentation, working with developers, testing, etc. But it didn't stop me from complaining about my not-so-satisfactory employment conditions: being contractual, having no benefits, having a smaller salary when in fact I was doing the same load as would a regular employee have, etc. So I started looking for a "better" job in a "better" company. How naive I was. I grabbed the opportunity in SMART. "Smart" move. NOT. All in all, knowing what I know now, I would have stayed in AIU. If I just welcomed management's interest to hire me as a regular, my salary would be humungous (yes, even with my current Smart salary + bonus), plus, lots of chances to go abroad for free. But the downside of working in AIU is the workhours. I've experienced working till 2am, including weekends. It went on for months. I couldn't take it. But then maybe I just needed rest. Oh well, everything I say here is moot & academic. I'm not there, Im here. So might as well live with it.

Live with it.

This has been my mantra for a long time now. Ever since I realized that being in Smart is not a smart choice. I know that I'm not satisfied with my current job. But I will not look for work in another company here in Manila (or so I say...) unless the salary is way up. I have decided to look for work in Singapore. I already started job hunting, albeit just in cyberspace. My jobhunting has been stalled because of my hectic schedule for the past 2 weeks. I shall resume hunting come this weekend. If I cannot find work in the internet, I will go to Singapore for at most a month to search for jobs there. I figured that Gen & some other ex-AIU friends are already there. I will have a place to crash. All I need to do is save money for daily expenses.

"I don't want to have what-ifs in my life."

Why I want to work in Singapore:
- The exchange rate is not bad.
- Plane fare is so cheap!
- Singapore is not too far from the Philippines. I can decide to go home any time.
- I have lotsa friends there.
- Shopping!
- I will be able to save for my future & help my family with the expenses at home.
- Somehow, I want to affirm myself that I have not been a failure in the field that I chose, that I can do it.

Why I don't want to work in Singapore:
- I will leave & terribly miss my close friends here.
- It will be harder to go home & be present for family gatherings.
- I will leave the comfort of familiarity. Moving will be too much of a hassle.
- I will leave Bucky & face the risk of losing him. Leaving Bucky will be the hardest part of all. We haven't been apart for more than a month ever since I lived in Makati. The longest we've been apart is when I went to Hongkong for work. We've grown so much together that it might be hard for both of us to adjust to being apart from each other. I think it will be especially hard for him because he really doesn't want me to go.

So where will all these take me?

Random Rantings

--- about being harrassed & return-of-the-comback ---

Starting last week, i've finally been able to relax in the office. After more than a month of being harrassed, working on weekends & harboring evil thoughs (a.k.a. wanting-to-chop-my-bitch-of-a-manager-&-her-bitchier-colleague's-heads-with-a-butter-knife-kind of thoughts or going on AWOL), I finally was able to put my life in order. Because of my freaking work schedule, my laundry got stuck at home for about 2 months. God knows if living creatures are already inhabiting there. I delivered half of my laundry, which reached almost 10 kilos (!), to a neighborhood laundry shop. Bucky, Jaja & I went to dinner & coffee. Jaja was on the hot seat about her most recent "return-of-da-comeback" adventure. Like I told her, "Buti nga kay Mike. Ang tanga-tanga kasi."

--- about Bucky's transfer to a new apartment ---

Bucky finally left Mark in their rotting apartment. He transferred to a not-so-rotting & newly painted unit beside the old one. he spent so much money on house improvements that he's going to talk to the landlady regarding the expenses. I've been helping him with all the home improvements for the past 2 weeks that I feel as if I'm his wife. Creepy. I help him make his room, his house, I cook his breakfast, lunch & dinner. It's like we're.... married. The only thing missing is the marriage contract. I've been ambivalent about this but I can't help but 'pretend' to be the wife. To give credit to Bucky, he 'pretends' to be my husband. I'm torn between pretending to be a wife and being a girlfriend with a life other than the BF. I hate to think what will happen to him if I go with my plan to work in Singapore.

---

obviously, i don't want to work.

Remembering Pandan
May 2005

Pandan can only be described by one word: BEAUTIFUL. I found beauty that was pure. Almost untouched by man. The sea air, the water, the sand, the corals, the turtles…

The trip was a nice respite from the hassle of city life. I really am a probinsyana at heart.

We left Manila at around 1am of Thursday. We didn’t have time to rest because Bucky & I came from work & we had to pack. Less than an hour in the bus and we were all asleep. We woke up at the Batanggas port at around 4am. We were the last passengers to be given tickets. A jeep took us to the boat and we were off to Mindoro. The boat ride lasted a little over 2 hours, for most of which we just spent on sleep. Good thing that the boat had double-decker beds. We were able to sleep and see the sunrise in Abra de Ilog.

The bus was packed when we got to the station (just outside the port). It was a very rickety and cramped bus. We almost didn’t make it to the bus because it looked like there was no more space. But the bus conductor thought otherwise. After a few minutes before leaving, we were able to find some part of the seats. The bus ride to Sablayan was long, bumpy and dusty.

The travel improved when we reached a dried up river. There was no dust so I was able to take pictures of the scenery. We reached Sablayan at about 930am. The boat trip was slow because we took the wrong bangka. And it was very noisy.

Reaching Pandan island felt like such an achievement. I didn’t mind the hassle of the whole trip. It was all worth it. Before dropping off the shore, we could already see the corals underneath the bangka. Even with the cast out sun, the day ahead was promising. We were welcomed by the receptionist at the bar & scooted to our rooms.

There we encountered a British guy & a pinay girl whom we immediately thought to be his exotic aglipay companion. Later during the day, we found out that she wasn’t. She was reading a novel. Anyway, we unpacked, had some snacks and headed for the beach. We were so hungry but lunchtime was set at 1pm, so we impatiently lounged at the beach for 2 hours. We almost didn’t have lunch because of some misunderstanding with the receptionist. Good thing that there were lots of extra food, so the kitchen crew cooked a little more food for us. After lunch, we went to rest. It had been a very tiring 8 hours of traveling. I couldn’t exactly remember what we did next. I think we hit the beach and did some snorkeling. The next highlight of the day was dinner. The food was great, healthy too. After dinner, we spent the first night in the bar for some drinks, chika and cool sea breeze.

Bucky & I woke up early the next day to catch the sunrise.

It was so … peaceful. The air was cool, the tide was gently slapping at the shore. Everything was still. Bucky took so many pictures. After a full breakfast, we set off to snorkeling. The coral life was amazingly rich. There was a coral forest (no, just a not coral garden) a few meters away from the shore. There weren’t so many fish though. The highlight of the day was when we saw pawikans. I never knew I could see a pawikan in the wild. It was eating sea grass. I guess we were so excited and frisky in the water that they swam away from us. Bucky madly took underwater pictures. He even wanted to swim after the pawikan into the deep part of the shore. We walked the length of the shore from the bungalows to the farthest end of the shoreline. Then went to the beach again & had some refreshments at the bar.

We did some snorkeling starting at the east side of the island which turned out to be a bad decision because there were so many jellyfish. We got out of the water & headed for the west side of the island. We had a hard time snorkeling because the tide was low and the corals were almost skidding on our bellies. We saw pawikans again. The sun wasn’t very bright that afternoon so the visibility wasn’t really great. After the beach, we hit the showers and got ready for dinner. After a whole day of snorkeling & chilling at the beach, it was time to freshen up with salt water. While we were just waiting for the day to pass by, the British guy and his aglipay finally introduced himself to us. They were Alex & Zelda.

It was so great talking to him because he had so many stories to tell & he was so animated. I envied Zelda then. To be a tourist and spending nothing! Alex is just living off some investments in London so he has the luxury of traveling anywhere. How enviable. We sat down together for dinner & had some drinks at the bar afterwards. They had to leave early because Alex is an early sleeper. Tigulang na man gud according to Zelda. Haha.

The next day:

another guest arrived in the island. He was alone & kinda cute. I told Jaja to introduce himself right away. She was shy daw. Nyek. Denis did some fish feeding so we swam after him. We saw so many pawikans! I even touched one while it was feeding at the bottom of the beach. We alternately went to the bar and the beach, making sure we had enough strength to maximize our last full day in the island.

After lunch, we went snorkeling again. We almost swam into a tiny school of barracudas, which scared the hell out of Jaja & me because we thought Bucky’s frantic excitement was panic. After a few meters away from the barracudas, a coral snake shot out of the water & swam towards the shore. It was exciting & scary at the same time. We decided that we had enough excitement for the day. Besides, it was getting dark so we hit the shore, took some silly pictures & freshened up.

During dinner, Alex & Zelda were with the cute newcomer. Good thing that we were all sitting in the same table, so introductions were made & dinner became a lively chat. The newcomer was Matt. The food was great & the restaurant was packed! Apparently other locals arrived while were snorkeling and took the cottages at the west side of the island. Naturally, after dinner, we headed for the bar & started chatting with Matt. He told us about his other trips to Fiji, which turned out to be in Australia (I honestly didn’t know that…), his life in London, his plans to go teach in Japan & other stuff. At one point during the night, I got tipsy because of my rhum coke so I headed for the shore to get some brisk sea air. Soon after, Bucky followed me. Sensing that Jaja & Matt were deep into a conversation, we bolted from the shore & went to the cottage. Heck, I thought that she can take care of herself already. Besides, Matt looked & felt harmless. So Bucky & I slept (among other activities, hehe). Later during the night, I woke up to take a leak. Noticing that Jaja still wasn’t on her bed & that the bar was already closed, I scanned the shore, hoping I’ll see her or them. And I did. I saw 2 black figures, sitting, I think on the shore. I didn’t really hear their voices but I knew it was them. A little while after getting back to bed, I heard some whispering outside the cottage. It must’ve been them saying their goodbyes (however you do that properly…). After that, I was sound asleep until the next sunrise came.

Bucky & I woke up to see our last sunrise on the island.

Amazingly, Jaja also got up. And to think that she only had a few hours of sleep. Apparently, she couldn’t contain the excitement of her nocturnal adventures. According to her, Matt & her became… close. Let’s leave it at that. I was so happy for her. After her bad breakup with Mike, her life was slowly moving into place: getting a better job, having the chance to meet a new person & having to realize that life goes on after a bad fall. It was time to leave the island so we packed our stuff & had a hearty breakfast. While the concierge was preparing our bill, we were on the lookout for Matt. I even prodded Jaja to wake him up with a large & wet good morning cum goodbye kiss. Nahiya ang lola. Good thing that it took forever to prepare our bill. Alex came out for some last-minute chat. And Matt also came out looking very groggy & had bed marks on his face [pero cute pa rin sya. Haha!] He went to the office to check out also. Ayaw pang sundan ni Jaja, so I quickly made up an excuse to go to the office & made small talk. Success! Har, har! I benignly led him to where we were waiting and so Jaja & Matt met before we left. We took some bad pictures for documentation purposes.

With heavy hearts & feeling a great regret that the 3 days of bliss finally ended, we left Pandan. Took a very uneventful boat trip & bus ride back to manila. Uneventful, yet we were able to wistfully remember the events of the past 3 days all to our hearts’ content.

When we got back to manila, Jaja recounted her encounter for an umpeth time. But it was nice hearing the story over & over again. It affirmed “When God closes a door, He opens a window.”

The Pandan trip proved very fruitful for Jaja as people from her past life (aka Mozcom) began to discover her adventures. Mike eventually learned kung anong nabingwit nya sa Pandan. He must’ve felt wistful about the whole thing. I dunno. Buti nga sa kanya. Hope he rots wherever he is. [Hahaha! Vindictive bitch…]

Anyway, their official love affair here in Manila stretched up to 2 weeks, I think. Good for her. Jaja says she’s not going back to Pinoy longganiza. She found out about the “British” schublig.

Hahahaha!

Dysfunctional

My family attended a Family Encounter seminar last May. I remember telling a friend that the Family Encounter seminar was a futile attempt of my mother to find meaning in her life. I could slap myself for saying that now.

I finished my work hurriedly before leaving for the airport. I was too much in a hurry that I wasn’t able to buy even some GoNuts donuts. I really felt guilty going home without some pasalubong. When I arrived in Davao, I waited for Dad to be off before leaving for the retreat house. We were the last few families to be complete, hence, kami ang nag-delay sa activities. We had dinner and proceeded to our 1st activity, making a family poster. We drew a tree. Jesus was the roots, mom & dad were the trunk, we were the branches. We had fun doing the poster. There was a family presenter who shared their story. It went on until 12mn. We had to wake up at 5 in the freakin’ AM everyday to get ready for breakfast & the activities. It was very tiring. There were lots of activities. Two case families shared their stories that went on for about 2 hours each day. Imagine the boredom. Pero their stories were touching also. There were times when I caught myself drying my tears. We were asked to answer guide questions & share them with the family members after. It was nice knowing the thoughts of mom & dad & my brothers. I was especially touched because Og was very honest. He even cried when he shared his feelings & thoughts while he was in the US. It was only when he was there when he realized how he missed being in Davao and being with the family. It was also only during that time when he felt close to all of us. Onchie, on the other hand, was very frank though medyo indifferent when sharing his thoughts. He’s so detached, typical of a teenager. Feeling cool kasi.

For the past 8 years I have grown detached to my family. Ever since I went to college in AdMU, I felt emancipated from my mother’s clutches, from too much expectation, from pretending to be always responsible, from the person the person that my mother wants me to be. I’ve been running away from my mother for a very long time. Ever since I was a little girl, I felt great pressure from her. Good thing I was able to say this during the FE. There was an activity where we would discuss the person in the family whom I have a difficult relationship with. For me, it was mom. For years I’ve been trying to figure out why she pushes herself too much, and why she pushes all of us too much. I opened to all of them that she pressured me too much, that I felt she was always disappointed with me or what I do, that I and whatever I try to become is never enough. Nakaka-depress naman to… She listened naman. But I never got to know the reason why she always wants so much more, why she could never seem to be happy and content with herself and with her life. I forgot to ask her. When we were on that session, time was running out. So we had to hurry sharing our thoughts. We were also able to discuss Dad’s infidelity with Onchie. He took the discussion well, I think. For a 15-year old. He might be more mature than I thought. He had a strong hunch all the while.

After that discussion, there was an activity, with all the lights out except for candles. All the families were presented to the altar & blessed by the priest. Nainis lang ako when the priest pushed my forehead & I fell to the floor without really intending to. Mom and dad willingly “gave themselves up to the Lord”. I just didn’t believe in all that display of “faith”. It’s so Pharisee-istic. Kainis. Then we were given candles as a symbol of sharing our thoughts to all family members. We all cried, I think. Or except Onchie. Dad & mom hugged me tight and said sorry for all the things they. It was very touching at that time. I cried too. We waited for the activity to end while embracing each other.

After that, we heard mass. Onchie had so many question regarding faith & stuff. I tried my best to explain things the way he will understand it. I also told him that asking questions about faith is not bad or wrong. He seem to have gotten the idea that questioning the church or doctrine is bad because when he asks Mom, she would always reprimand him. So I told him that it’s OK, that even Jesus questioned doctrine during his time. It’s better to question one’s faith and doctrine in search for the truth than accepting in blind faith. God gave us the ability to think beyond what we are, we should be using it.

I don’t exactly know what mom is expecting to happen to us after the family encounter. I think she’s expecting that Og & Onchie will be more receptive to her. But I doubt it. 3 days will not change a person. It takes time & effort. She called me once to air out her disappointments. Again. Hay, ang hirap mag-alaga ng matanda…

Over all, it was a meaningful experience. It somehow healed the pain I felt due to my father’s infidelity. I finally was able to tell my mom to get off my back. And I was able to connect with my brothers. I really miss them. One of the things I regret is not being there when they were growing up. Ironically though, we became closer when I got started living in manila. I guess we cherished each other more because of the distance.

We all belong to dysfunctional family. In more ways than one. It shapes us to be who we are today. But we also have our freedom to break away from the effects of that dysfunctionality.

make a step, take a chance, and break away ala Kelly Clarkson...

Missing home...

I got this from a friend who's been to the US and back, thrice. It took him 3 times to realize where he's really happy.




Sana ako din, ma-realize na kung ano talaga ang gusto sa buhay...

"here is my thing: this is my 3rd stay here in the US. the first time i came, i was unhappy and came home after 6 months. the second time, i stayed for 3 months and missed pinas so bad. i thought i miss the modeling career i left and i thought i made a big mistake for leaving when i was on my peak...but it wasnt the modeling that i missed. i missed home. i missed my friends. i missed my dogs. i miss my loved ones. che wong , my family and elaine lim. so i came home. i worked again in manila as a model and even did 3 guest appearances in 3 abs cbn shows and 1 for gma. was i happy? nope so i thought that the US was the way to go again....so i went back.

it is 2 years now. made money. learned my 3rd language. met new friends. 2 levels from becoming a professional volleyball player here in the US. learned to be a bartender. learned so many things. got a scooter. bought a car. learned how to get around sunny tampa. with car or without. live in a cool place with model looking neighbors. travelled a lot. got immune to cats (been allergic for many years). starting to become known in the night life scene. starting to feel like manila...but am i happy? definitely not.

people say that my lovelife is just zero...but it is not. people say that it's due to weight gain...but it is not. never been happier weighing 200 pounds. why worry when i will no longer model. people say that it's due to my skin that has aged 10 years due to stress and allergies...but it is not.

i just miss something and i definitely miss davao. davao is my home. it is where i belong. a lot of people like me there and more hate me...but i dnt give a fuck. i miss our house in ecoland. i miss being able to take the jeep by just doing a 3 minute walk from our house to the kanto where claveria jeepneys pass by. i miss cheap massages. i miss SM davao even when i can only count how many times did i get to go to the place. but besides these shallow things, i miss my family so bad. i miss my youngest sister who is so funny and never seperated from me for many years til i moved here. i miss us driving late at night to grab a snack at dimsun diner or wherever our hearts desire. i miss making fun of myself in public places that drives her crazy she begs that i stop or else she'll pee in her pants. i miss my ate pia who never fails to be a bigger bitch than i am. i miss her cooking. i even miss her tantrums. i miss my mom who definitely is the best mom in the world. i miss my dad who makes me laugh because he is just so mayabang...and what's annoying is the fact that what he brags about is really impressive and TRUE. hate him! heheheh. i miss my best friend elaine who is always by my side no matter what. she never ditched me when i was in deep shit. i miss my ex-gf che who never failed as a partner even once. she is definitely the best woman any man can have. che made sure that my spirts were high and well even when hers were down. where else can you find a person who would put your happiness first before hers? i wish her and jorel the best.

i miss my life in davao.

i may make the biggest mistake in my life for letting go of the american dream but 3 tries are more then enough for me to know that this country is not for me.

i will be back in davao. i dnt know what's in store for me. i dnt know what field will i pursue this time. i dnt know if i will make new friends. i dnt know if life will be better...but one thing is for sure....

davao is home and davao will make me feel happy again.

and i wish that i find that something i have been looking for for many years now.

life is not life if you are unhappy."

How TRUE.

Just live the moment, enjoy the friendship, & don't mind the future.

Pandan was great. The beach & the sand were as natural and clean as it could get. The coral reef was amazingly intact & beautiful.

Plagerized Entry from a Plagerized Entry
Plagerized from http://unsegundoenelcamino.blogspot.com .

SERiES 0NE - YOU
Birth time: no idea
Last place you traveled: airport
Eye Color: black/brown
Nail Color: pale purplish-pink [ang lamig kasi dito sa ofc. brrrr....]
Height: 5'4"
Zodiac Sign: mer-goat = capricorn

SERiES TW0 - DESCRiBE
Your heritage: Mom - bastard Kastila; Dad - pure indio
The shoes you wore today: pointy caramel sling-back pumps
Your hair: relaxed
Your weakness: travelling
Your fears: losing my loved ones
Your perfect pizza: yellow cab!!!
One thing you'd like to achieve: US$1M
Your life is: "The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation" - Simone de Bivouxe (spell check?); quoted from Shall We Dance (Richard Gere, Susan Sarandon, J Lo)

SERiES THREE - WHAT IS...
Your most overused phrase on aim/msn: hehe
Your thoughts first waking up: why do i have to wake up??????
Your current worry: not having enuf savings
Your plans tomorrow: go home to davao
Your best physical feature: my soul. (physical nga e. tigas talaga ng ulo...)
Your greatest accomplishment: slowing down & smelling the flowers

SERiES F0UR - Y0U PREFER
Sunrise or sunset: boracay sunset
Gore or horror: Horror
Eastsiiiide or wessssside: watda?
Stripes or polka dots: stripes
Money or fame: Money. fame doesn't grow in interest
Planes or trains: Planes. para kung ma-aksidente, patay agad.
Metal or hardcore: hardcore what?
Boxers or briefs: none. hihihi!
Pools or hot tubs: hot pool

SERiES FiVE - D0 Y0U
Cuss: yep
Do you think you've been in love: I am in love
Want to get married: married? yes, in 3-5 yrs... yikes...
Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: oh yes. i was very diligent & competitive in my high school typing class
Like to take baths: yes
Get motion sickness: no. trained early. i was dragged by everybody from one province to another (visayas-mindanao) when i was still a baby
Like talking on the phone: no. it burns my ear...
Like thunderstorms: yes, when i'm nestled under the sheets & watching a good movie or reading a good book
Play an instrument: the computer
Workout: ye. am a retired volleyball varsity player. so the drive to keep a healthy & fit body always kicks in
Like reading: yes, though i haven't read a book in quite a while. tried reading Clancy. Found it too dragging. so i'm hunting for a new book/genre now...

I sent this letter to Pau. She's still in India and will be celebrating her 25th birthday there.

"Hey. I refuse to work. Sobrang sakit ng ulo ko. Not because of hang-over but because of puyat. We left bellissima last night at around 2am na. 11pm na kasi kami nakaalis ng house. Kaming girls lang, with tatot & nina's 2 friends, one was is a guy na dapat i-setup kay jaja. Pero walang nangyari. Di naman sya kinausap ng guy. Mahiyain yata. Mas nag-usap pa ung guy at si tatot. Baka nga sila ang mag-date e. hehe. Maj also came. Sya ang highlight of the night. Pano kasi, sila na ni Jaime perdices at mukhang break na talaga sila ni alexi. 2x pa lang daw sila nag-uusap ni alexi ever since they broke up last april. We got her new phone & spied on her pictures. Puro pictures nila ni Jaime. They went to panglao island (bohol) kasi. May ibang censored pa. Hay,yang kaibigan mo talaga. Di mo alam kung maiinis o matutuwa sa kanya.

Naga-angst ka daw about ur 25th bday. Hehe. Oo nga naman. At this point in our lives, bdays shouldn’t count anymore. Hehe. I stopped counting when I hit 21. I always forget my age now. Every year, I always find myself subtracting my birth year from the current year to get my age. How pathetic is that…. =)

I'm going home to davao this weekend for a family encounter seminar. My mom's attempt to find meaning in her life. Midlife crisis talaga ito. I'm hesitant to go. Feeling ko kasi it will not change anything. O well, martial law kami ng nanay ko...

Anyway, hope to hear from u. =)"

I feel so bangag right now. My mind isn't working. I just want to catch up on my sleep.

My officemate brought a cutout of the AIT advertisement from a newspaper. I was wondering if it was a sign I was ignoring. Why haven't I updated my resume and sent it to them? Malay mo, matanggap ako... And the main reason for my apprehension is Bucky. I don't want him to be shocked with the sudden news and reality of us being apart. He seems... weak, when it comes to dealing with this issue. I feel like he's not supporting me in my quest to look for a better job abroad. Which got me into thinking: granting that I'll be able to work in Singapore for 2 years, what will happen to me when I get back? Will there still be jobs for me? Will I still be marketable? I guess, I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Meanwhile, I cannot ignore the fact that I want to work abroad. I don't want to live with the what-ifs and blame all of my issues on other people.

Being an adult is a tough job...

Im brain-dead.

Ever since yesterday, I’ve been very busy the whole day. I don’t even have time to surf anymore. Well, this is a welcome break for me. At least my brain is still working.

After almost 2 months of compiling memories & pictures of 2003 – 2004, I finally finished my blog. Complete with pictures. Kinareer po ang pag-blog. Though I should say that I got tired of writing down my thoughts regarding a particular event. Nakakapagod.

Speaking of nakakapagod, this day has been so draining. My brain’s just not functioning right now…. Zzzzz……….

REMEMBERING 2003 – 2004
(which I seem to have lost to depression, stress, travel, fun, stress (again)…)

I’ve renewed my gusto to blog. All because of the fact that I already know how to insert pix. Haha!

It took me almost a month to collect memories & pictures from the past 2 years…

Since, my blog hasn’t been updated since 2003, let me review & document the events of the past 2 years (gosh, 2 years!):

July 2003: Bucky’s Bar review, jobhunting, AIU

Got interviewed and accepted at American International Underwriters. AIU is AIG’s non-life insurance group. The AIU office here in Manila is not actually the frontline. Manila RTC (Regional Technology Center) is the IT group supporting all AIU production/sales offices in Asia. Development for applications needed & mandated by AIG head office happens here. I was thoroughly pleased by the monetary offer. However, they told me that AIU cannot hire me directly, hence, my assignment in an agency, IPI. I was disappointed because being assigned to an agency is like working as a consultant. Meaning, neither AIU nor IPI, pays for my SSS, Philhealth, Pag-Ibig, etc. But then, did I really care? Not at that time. I just wanted a job that was core-IT and I got it. Besides, I didn’t have deductions. So I didn’t really complain. Well…

Bucky was reviewing for the bar at this time. I was his yaya, kusinera, masahista, nanay, student driver - to name a few. It was a hard time for me. Though I had so much free time, and I could do whatever I want and have to wake up at 6am to prepare for work, I was constantly depressed because I was so insecure with myself while jobhunting. I felt that I didn’t have the skills, or the experience, for jobs I was aiming for. I was always writing in my journal, looking out the balcony of Bucky’s pad at the Bel-Air Apartments in Burgos. Constantly wondering and regretting the bad decisions I made in that past (working for CCI, turning down an interview with Accenture the 1st time, rotting in CCI for 3 yrs, discovering that an MSCS isn’t what I need to jumpstart my non-existent career) that ultimately led me to my present reality and leading me towards a foggy future. I even considered being a caregiver. Yes, I was that desperate. But I trudged on, searching for jobs in the internet, going to jobfairs, constantly revising my resume. I even accepted a position in a call center as a Technical rep. I attended the graveyard trainings, to Bucky’s dismay. It was such a hassle for both of us. I felt that it was an act of desperation, the pay wasn’t really good and the work conditions suck (imagine having to be awake from 9pm-5am while everybody is asleep; and sleeping with the sun on your face. Not again.). This was also the time when my family and I found out that my father, (yes, my very strict and unbendable-as-a-rod father) is having a freakin' affair, that my mother is breaking down, and we had to pretend everything was OK for the sake of my youngest brother. Everything was in a disarray. Pinagkuluban ako ng mundo. Natutulog ba ang Diyos?

Then the offer from AIU came, surprisingly. In my state then, I was very grateful for having received such an offer, even if it wasn’t thoroughly satisfactory. I took the job. The pay was good and I was already assigned to a project for Hongkong. I was psyched. I was blind. I just wanted to have a job.

Before I started working in AIU, I had to be in 2 weddings: First was Aunty Neneng’s. They had it in Kidapawan. And since, it was Aunty Neneng’s wedding, it was such a big deal, especially to all those who know her. Which was practically everybody in Kidapawan. She’s been single for the longest time after she and Tito Eric broke up because he knocked up a girl silly. My first encounter of men’s weakness. So it was such chaos, with everybody dabbling their fingers in the wedding preparations. “My Big Fat Pinoy Wedding” ito. I didn’t really help with the actual preparations. I just made sure that the small kids were not in the way. Unfortunately, I was the maid of honor and my dress was too tight. And I had to assist in the actual wedding ceremonies like hold the mic while they were reading their vows of 2 pages long, which 1 was missing. Good thing the priest’s copy was complete. It was tiring but fun.

Then it was Momi Indz’s wedding in Bulacan. It was also chaos. Bucky agreed to go & drive my family to Pandi. The whole Delima family was divided between Manay’s & Mama Del’s house. It was my official introduction of Bucky to the family. He was OK. They all knew that he was taking the law studies and was gonna be a lawyer. So, they have nothing else to say. I was supposed to be the maid of honor. But Tita Daylet was able to go home for the wedding so I was demoted to being a bridesmaid. Thank God. The reception was held at the gymnasium of the school, which was quite big and airy so I had no complaints. The food was also great. We had our pictures taken and it was past midnight when we crashed on the carpet of Manay’s TV room. There was no other place to sleep in the house because all the rooms were full. Good thing the carpet was thick and there was still extra blankets. Bucky was very cool about the whole thing.

The older people in the family also talked to Mom & Dad regarding their problem. Another experience of men’s weakness. [Just how may times do women have to deal with this???] Dad lied about his intention of breaking up with his mistress. Mom didn’t trust him. And I got passionately pissed off at both of them, I practically shouted. At that moment, it was all in vain. I just wanted them to be apart than experience the pain of it all. Honestly, I didn’t want to be part of their problem. Too much baggage. They went home the day after the wedding. Og and Onchie stayed for 2 more days, I think. We went to Greenhills to buy PS2 games. I had fun going around with them.

Aug 2003: start of my AIU experience

I officially started Aug 4, I think. The office was nice. AIU just moved in PBCom so everything was new, from the carpets, to the paneling, tables and chairs. And it had the best view. Imagine seeing the burning sky during sunset over Manila bay everyday. It was one of the perks I enjoyed most. I met a lot of new people, even one who was an MIS grad and batch lower in ADMU. Imagine. Everybody was nice there. People were very friendly and helpful. Especially the guys. For the 1st time in my whole life, I was able to get what I need from people just by portraying Nikoleta Pototski (haha! Sorry na lang ang can’t relate). Guys, do love it. Though I had to share a cube with another person, I didn’t really mind coz he was nice and funny. All my cubemates were dandy people. I had fun with them. I was also assigned to a very nice boss, got help from a teammate who was more than willing to share his load of work and was willing to show me the ropes. When the work came in, it was a baptism of fire. My teammate just got from China to do business gathering for AIU China branch. The scope of the project was so big, that my boss had to chop it into 2 and gave one part to me. Still, it was a big part and the application involved in the project was very new to me (like everything else! Insurance, claims, akkk!). Hence, I had to do OT for weeks because I was still learning and I had to deliver outputs. Good thing that my boss was very considerate and never hesitated to help me when things were unclear or confusing. And he was always with us (and fed us) when we had to do OT.

It was also Pia & Manuel's wedding. Bucky & I went to Cebu both for the wedding & bisita iglesia. We visited at least 3 churches to offer prayers for Bucky's bar exams.

Sep-Oct 2003: Hongkong (!) project

After my short stint with the China project, I was formally assigned to the Hongkong project. Not as a lead BA, though, but as a shadow BA. Since there was a more experienced BA who was free and I was just learning the ropes anyway. It didn’t really bother me. The lead BA was nice and helpful. And I was going to Hongkong. For FREE!

I just had to live with the fact that Bucky wasn’t very happy with my good fortune. Because he’d lose his yaya, kusinera, masahista, nanay, student driver. And of course, he didn’t want to be bothered by these things while reviewing for the bar. It took weeks to ease him into the idea of my departure and him being all alone while reviewing & taking the bar exams. I left for HK before his 3rd day of the exam, when I crashed the car into a jeep, got stuck in the streets of Manila because the engine overheated. Good thing that Dino Siason was just a phone call away. He helped me through that 1st car crash. Bucky never let me drive his car alone again.

I was so glad of my Hongkong assignment. It was very good training for me. Also, I was lucky to have Connie & Erwin as companions. We got along very well. Connie was very helpful and patient with me, always answering my questions, always explaining the business. We had so many bloopers when we arrived in HK. We got lost going to the hotel from the airport, also got lost going to the office from the hotel. It was fun though. We shared a lot of laughs. We had separate rooms, thankfully. We met users of the old insurance system in AIA HK. It was hard work. After FGDs & walkthroughs the whole day, we would stay at night to document the requirements. If we had more energy, we’d go around and try the different restaurants. It was fun eating at restos that don’t have English menus. We had to eat the peanuts they served because they were mandatory. You had to pay whether the peanuts were eaten or not. Might as well eat them. When Cnnie got too tired of work, I would go walking around the city by myself. It was nice.

I also invited Og to go to HK for a weekend. He came Friday and went back to Manila Sunday or Monday. He stayed in my room. He got to the city all by himself. Good thing Dad gave him some extra HK$. We went around the city: Ocean Park, the harbor, malls, Mongkok (where we saw lotsa cool cars! And ate genuine HK streetfood), Lamma island, Stanley Market & Victoria Peak. I had fun going around with Og, getting lost & talking to people who can hardly speak English. Fun. I spent almost P7K worth of money for the trips & the shopping for pasalubong.

I went home after weeks in HK because of passport expiry. We didn’t have visa that will allow us to stay for a whole month. So we went home. Thankfully. I didn’t tell Bucky that I was going home. He was surprised to see me home. Then I was back to HK after the weekend. Same work, getting harassed by the users and Winnie. We spent every weekend shopping and going around. We went to Lantau Island to see the biggest Buddha in the world. We also met with Bing (Connie’s friend living & working there) and cooked in her house. When we went back to HK, we were required to stay for another 3 weeks, I think. So we had to exit HK either to Shenzhen or Macau. We scrapped Macau because Pinoys were not very welcome there. So we opted for Shenzhen. Connie & I had no idea what to do there, but it was the cheapest & closest to HK we can exit to. The office applied for our visa and we were off to Shenzhen during a weekend. It was a very long train ride. There was a mall just beside the border. We decided to go around & shop there. After 4 hours of being harassed by uber kulit Chinese tinderas, we headed for HK. We shopped around Mongkok again before crashing in the hotel. On the week we were going back to Manila, we had lunch at one of the expensive restos in HK. Connie & I did our last shopping hurrah in the different malls & tiangges in HK. I remember buying so much on-sale Giordano items. Funny too, coz the sales people in almost all Giordano outlets knew how to say “Suki! Suki! Bili na! Mura, mura!” It was surreal… I was excited to go home and bring all the pasalubong. By the time I went back home to Manila, the bar exams were over so Bucky fetched me in the airport. When we got home, boy, was he happy with his pasalubong. I felt I bought him so much pasalubong to make up for my absence during the 2nd half of his bar exams.

Nov 2003

When we got back to Manila, the never-ending work started. We had to finish the BRD, test the prototype and do that all in less than 2 weeks. Good thing that Connie’s trip back to HK to present the actual prototype for the HKCL project was postponed to January. After the BRD & the prototype was done, we were practically doing nothing. I was assigned back to China CL. During that time, there was so much uncertainty with the project. It was taken over by Gilbert, who luckily had good faith in me. If he hadn’t, I would’ve been sacked like Eric. He didn’t like Eric. Too bad for him. The plan of getting the services of Headstrong for the China project was unveiled to the newly-formed team. It stunned us. I felt like… a liability actually. I mean, after HS comes in to take all the projects, what will happen to us? To those who were still working at projects that HS was going to take over? And the bad thing was, it wasn’t communicated to the organization well. Damn. Talk about bad management. I was also having a rough time with John. He was assigned to the China project before it was temporarily assigned to me. I think he took it badly. The only consolation I had back then was the friendship I shared with my new found barkada in AIU. Though I didn’t really go with during meriendas (because of work), they always considered me when they had plans for lunch outs or outings. They were a nice bunch.

During this time, Bucky also starts working. I remember him being always tied in the office and after office. He & his officemates would always go drinking after office. Even during weekdays.


Dec 2003

The AIU friends spent Sir Roe’s bday party at an Italian resto in Manila. Then we had some drinks & laughs at Ratsky. It was fun. I had a crush to an officemate then. Bad thing was, I think he got scared o me. I might have come on to strong. Again. It was also the time of the AIU basketball league. I turned down an insipid invitation to be team muse. No fuckin’ way…

I didn’t go to IPI’s Christmas party. I felt going there wasn’t worth it.

I went home to Davao for the holidays, of course. I don’t really remember what happened with the family. I think we said a long rosary during Christmas eve, offering prayers of peace for the family. I also remember talking to mom about stuff, about her dealing with the past & her “mistakes” as a wife & mother. The whole affair thing really rocked her world. Her very prim & proper feathers were ruffled. Well, who wouldn’t be. Damn WEAK men. Damn them to hell. It was very tiring talking to mom. It’s tiring remembering this…

Jan – Mar 2004

I spent my 25th bday in Samal with AA, Og. Onchie, Erwin, Jocelyn, Jaja, Mike, Ellen, Gen2 & Khan. Spent the whole day getting burned by the sun, sand & surf.

When I went back to Manila, it was confirmed that Armi was going to be the lead BA for the China CL project. I felt both relieved and depressed. Relieved, to know that there was someone more experienced than me in the team; depressed, to know that management doesn’t trust me. Hay. I took it like a bullet. As if I had the choice.

The China CL project officially started Feb. The team from AIU & HS met. There was a lot of animosity from AIU’s side. I was torn. I wanted the project to go without a hitch. But Armi & Jos’s attitude toward HS was not very good. It was a project doomed from the start. Armi & Audry (the HS BA) went to China for a requirements validation exercise. They were there for a month. I was left in Manila, much to my dismay. All the while I thought I was going with them. I had more knowledge than Audry, I could help Armi more. But, no, I was left in Manila to do stuff for them here. And to think that Audry wasn’t very happy about leaving. Buwisit. Ako na lang sana. Well, again, I took that blow like a bullet. No choice but to swallow my pride & my disappointment. When they came back, I was kinda relieved that I wasn’t with them. Too much pressure. Buti nga sa kanila. Har! Har!.

I spent the Valentine’s Day with Bucky & my friends (Jaja, Rica, Mike, Nina, Rap, Mark) in Boracay. The beach was clean & cold, but the sand & sun were great. We spent the days lounging in the beach, swimming, drinking shake & enjoying the sunset. It was great. If I were to go to Boracay again, it would be Feb or March. Low season, not too crowded and the beach & sun are great.

Bucky & I spent our 6th year anniversary at Antonio’s in Tagaytay. The best steak I’ve ever tasted. Actually, everything there was great: the place, the food, the ambiance. Everything.

April was Bucky’s month. He passed the bar, signed a lawyer’s logbook in the Supreme Court, his parents came over for his birthday and his oath-taking. He was officially a lawyer. His dad was so happy. After many years of hard work.

May – Oct 2004

Nothing much happened during these months. I was tied to the office almost always every weekend. The deluge of work arrived when Armi & Audry came back from China. Bucky was having a rough time with my schedule. The only extravagant date I remember having during these months was another trip to Antonio’s and staying overnight in Tagaytay. I also went to Bora again with Bucky for Wong’s wedding. The beach was frantic! The waves almost swept my bikini away… Other than that, it was work, work, work… Sept-Oct was very stressful for me. There were time when I would go home at 10pm (at the earliest!) to 3am, then go back to the office at 930am. It took a toll on my body. I lost weight & inches.

I also had my braces on the 1st week of May. I never thought eating could be such a displeasure...

It was also during that time that I thought of my future with AIU. I started fixing my resume & jobhunting. I tried applying in SMART via their website. A day after, they called for an interview! I was shocked. It was that fast. I took a test and had an interview. I was very optimistic at that time. I was glad of having been exposed to the whole SDLC process in AIU. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have made it to SMART. Shortly after, I was scheduled for another interview with my would-be manager. I got the job. They wanted me to start ASAP but I wanted to have a break so I lied to both AIU and Smart. Worked out OK coz I was able to take a 2 week vacation. Haha! Anyway, when I told AIU about my resignation ASAP, they were shocked. They thought that I was gonna stay because of my performance (I was able to pull off the OGIS testing., which was the clincher of the whole project). Jos offered slyly offered me a regular position. But she wasn’t going to recommend me for regularization if I wasn’t going to take the offer. It left a bad feeling in the stomach, and I went with my gut. I didn’t accept her offer. Another manager also talked to me about my reasons for resigning. He almost offered me a regular position. But I didn’t let it come to that point. I was ready to leave. Besides, I thought that Smart was an good employer. I quit my job after 2 weeks and went home to Davao. Freedom!

I went home just in time for Dad’s bday parties. Yes, we had 2 parties. One for the family, one for the BLD group. It was tiring. But mom & we went through it to make Dad feel important & special. Hay, what you had to do for parents with lotsa issues. I hope I don’t be like them. Everybody was commenting on my weight loss. I must’ve been really thin then. It was also the first time that people saw my braces.

When I came back to Manila, I got my AIU & IPI clearance & started working at Smart on Oct 25.



It felt great, though I was disappointed with the office. AIU had a great office & view. But everybody was friendly, especially my teammates. Except Pam. She was friendly but aloof. The sosi, maarte kind.

Nov – Dec 2004

Didn’t really have some real projects so I just surfed the net & emailed. We (the newbies) had to prepare a presentation for the IT Xmas party. We organized, brainstormed, & practiced a funny dance. Despite being busy (except me), we were able to practice & shoot our dance. Haha! That was fun.

I went to CDO with Bucky for Gino & Maan's wedding. Everything was wonderful. The food was great & the reception was spectacular. It was at a hilltop, in a home owned by the Araneta's, overlooking the CDO bay. Beautiful.

Before the wedding, we went white water rafting & the canopy walk. Tiring but fun. It was also the time when we confirmed that Peachy & Chito broke up. They have a weird arrangement since the breakup. Well, they're two consenting adults. Let's leave it at that...

Mass Drinking! We held it at Tia's in Katipunan. Yes, it's back. Though, not exactly like the one we grew up with.

We had our own S&P Xmas Party. It was also fun, though I felt that there were cliques in our own team.



Then we had the SMART Xmas party where MVP announced that we were going to have 4 months more worth of bonus. Hurrah!!!!! OK lang kahit pro-rated. Money is money. =)



Before going home to Davao, I was assigned to a project that was going to be launched by the start of the next year. I spent OT for 2 weeks to finish testing.

Christmas at home was eventful. Lola was there, as well as the whole clan. It was a Christmas reunion at Tito Lito’s house. It was chaos. It was fun. I met all the new kids & had so much gifts. All the dad’s siblings stayed at the house, together with the wives, husbands, kids. Tiring but fun.







Jan – Mar 2005

I had to spend my bday at home preparing for my departure back to manila. I celebrated my bday during Jan 1. I had to be at the office on Jan 3.

Very uneventful months. Though I had a rough time in the office during the 1st week of the new year. Because of some freakin’ stupid, unplanned project. Kainis. The only highlight was the Valentine’s Day. Bucky surprised me with a long-stemmed red rose. I was so happy. And kilig. We had dinner at Caffe Maestro which was so not worth the money. Antonio’s was better. We ended up wasting our hard-earned P1600 each.

March was our anniversary month. We celebrated it by having dinner at Saisaki.

We also got Red Corner membership: yes, we moved from Clark Hatch (Dusit Hotel) to Red Corner (Intercon). Bucky, Jaja, Niña, Tonio (???), Jake Antig, and I hitched with my previous grym group in AIU.

That’s it. 1-2 years of my life. Summarized in 8 pages & 18,234 characters (without spaces).

Wow, it was one hell of a ride. Thankfully, I’m still alive & still living. Not a perfect life, but nonetheless, happy.

Remembering

i've been looking at the past year of blogs. too much blank moments in my life from 2003-2004. i should look back and try to remember what happened. i shall post milestones of my 2004...

for now...

- Getting excited about the Pandan trip. Rica keeps on counting the days. Jaja decides to ditch Mike from the trip. Jake backs out because of work. I think this is the first time since I started working that I don't have a proper summer vacation. I can't believe it. And to think that I was in Bora last year. Twice! Huhu...

- Celebrated Herbert Kuybs' bday at Grilla. Boys were there. Ex was there! all the while i thought he was in the US. nakabalik na pala.

- Jaja & Mike break up. Long fucking story. I'm mad because of the fact that some men are SSSOOOOO WEAK. period. they just don't have the spine to face realities. arg. spineless creatures. arg. arg. Rica, Niña and I helped Jaja bring all of her stuff back home. And to think Mike was in Bora with the other girl while we were packing. arg. arg. Good thing Jaja looks like she's gonna be over that scum. Bucky has the nerve to defend the guy! another spineless creature. He says "these things happen, baka he plan it in the first place". He didn't plan it alright! He made it fuckin happen! If he knew that things were going bad with him and jaja, he should have told her, and settled it right away. Damn, MEN. GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR.

- Dan's birthday party. Bucky & his dorm barkada met at a party in makati. saw the wives, talked about adult stuff like investments, weddings, babies. creepy. Dan got drunk. Chito & Peachy came as... a couple (?) or stag. I dunno. I've long given up on those two. Matanda na sila. They're supposed to know what they're doing.

- Jaja & Glenn' tryst in the Emergency ward. hahaha! what a night to remember. jaja was having tummy pains again so we brought her to the hospital. while we were in the ER rooms and there was a long needle stuck on Jaja's hand, Bucky called Glenn (who was on duty at that time) to meet them. I convinced Glenn to check up on Jaja because the assigned doctor was nowhere to be seen. Nauto ko naman sya. I used Niña's phone to take his pictures. Jaja's forever crush.Funny!!!!

- Went to Bucky's frat party at Bellissima. Had 1 glass of mua-thai (?) and cosmo. almost passed out in the ladies room, much to Bucky's chagrin. Hehe. Jaja celebrated her night as a single woman (and loving it!). Had to lie to glenn to get a med cert for her just so she could go to the party. acc to Bucky, lotsa guys were asking for her num. let's hope her phone's already ringing. Went to Ortigas to eat Mini-Stop siopao & chat till 3am.

- Been lounging at the Intercon pool every weekend of April. The house has morphed into a microwave oven! Sleeping by the pool with the polluted-Manila air in my hair is the life. Looking forward to going for a dip again this Sunday.

- Bucky's birthday last April 23. He's getting depressed because he's alreaydy 28 yrs old. Haha! Planning to have a bday celeb cum house warming party this weekend. Major sponsors are Manuel, Bucky, Eric, Gian-C. planning for food & logistics. My cooking prowess will be tested this weekend. harhar!