RESTFUL WEEKEND

After i have finally decided to quit school for now made me feel so... FREE. parang ang gaan sa dibdib, na wala akong ibang iniisip. I'm actually looking forward to job hunting. I have to make a strategy for that pa...

consequently, i'm enjoying a very restful weekend. no worries. i even cleaned the whole house yesterday. they were all gone. sumakit ang katawan ko. pero ok lang. at least maaliwalas ang feeling. i heard mass with bucky and ate at outback. i felt the need to celebrate and congratulate myself for knowing when to back down.

i came home and slept well. after a long, long time...

DEAR MOM & DAD...

i wrote to my parents about taking a leave-of absence and terminating my DOST scholarship. I hope they reply ASAP so i know what they think. given that, i have resolved to look for a job and help my parents with the house.

I feel as though nabunutan ako ng tinik. I just admit this now: I have been scared shit when I took the DOST scholarship. Somehow, I knew that it wasn't right but I still went on with it, hoping that my doubts would disappear. Now that I'm looking at the situation with a clearer mind and less fearful heart, I think I will not have any regrets. I was enlightened by what Pau emailed me:

"Life is full of winning and losing and also full of challenges. It doesn't matter if you lose.. if you live for yourself, then that is truly LIFE.
Some people refuse to accept the truth and to start again, thus they end up losing more and more in life. In the end, nothing can be done to bring back what they lost. If you are losing in your life now, don't continue letting yourself lose more than what you did. Put a stop to that situation and do not be afraid to start from scratch.

Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want; it is the realization of how much you already have.

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."

People say that I just wasted 2.5 years of my life working in a small and struggling company and studying for a degree that I won't finish naman. Well, maybe I did. That's why I will not prolong it anymore. I think quitting school and seriously looking for a job will put an end to that "wasting of my life". I think I can pursue my Masters when I can afford it na. As of now, there are just too many restraining forces. My only regret is that I was too scared to get out of my comfort zone, face the insecurity of being unemployed or being rejected by companies. I have to face these fears so that I will know how to overcome them.

Hay, writing this makes me feel older. But al least, wala nang tinik at bigat sa loob. I can plan my life ahead and move on.

Hmmm.... this week has been a "moving on" phase for me. Hurrah!

LIFE's A BITCH.

I. gotta problem with my DOST scholarship. i opted for Independent Project instead of the real thesis for MS. pukinangina. i'm anticipating that DOST will not allow me to proceed. bitch. If I change my project in mid-year, i might have to extend till May talaga. arg. i would have to search for a thesis topic and do the same hoopla again. arg. arg. well, at least my parents agreed to be my benefactors for next sem if ever i decide to study full time. just hoping that i'll finish the courses next sem and then proceed with thesis subject until 1st sem next year. arg. arg.

what i need to do:
1) review IP proposal
2) send to DOST for approval
3) if disapprove, meet them, talk to Ms. Reena, adviser
4) if approve, review timeline of IP, start activities

II. daddyo is moving out soon. no exact date yet. but he's moving out. meaning, bigger rent (until we find new roommate), no ref (!), no more daddyo-stuff (pliers, electrical tape, etc). i wonder if randy is indeed planning to move in with us when he starts studying. also, i wonder when he'll start going to school, yada, yada.

III. Star-shows won't be aired na.

hay ang hirap maging matanda...

at least hindi ako homeless, or jobless, or boyless... (mga pang-kunsuelo de bobo)

enuf.

SABI NG FRIEND KO...

sabi nya sa kin minsan...

alam mo..alam mo, araw araw iisipin mo, may pagkakataon kang gawin ang kahit
anuman na gusto mo. para sumaya ka. kahit pagod ka o kahit andaming problema
sa paligid mo, isipin mo na kaya mo at magiging masaya ka. gawin mo lang gusto
mo sa araw na iyon. hindi mo na maibabalik ang nangyari. lahat ng magagawa
mo, gawin mo. lahat ng gusto mong tuparin. dapat masaya ka ngayon. hindi
kanina, hindi mamaya. ngayon.

iba na namang araw bukas.

CLOSURE. (...medyo private. context of the entry below to be disclosed in the near future)

Micharl is here in Manila. He called so that we could meet up in PP. Honestly, I felt kilig, then kaba. I mean, after all these years of not having to really forget what he did (or did not do, for that matter) and the pain I consequently felt, I had every right to feel that way. Unwittingly or not, all these years, the two poles of TAPOS NA and FUCK THAT ASSHOLE have been pulling me in both directions.

I was a nervous wreck on my way to PP. I asked myself "what the hell am I doing?!?!?" But whadapack, papunta na ako (in fairness, normal office clothes, not vengeful-beauty-clothes). We met at Mongkok. good thing his cousins were in the restaurant. They were nice and came from Davao too. We talked about the old times, of how he punched me because he lost to my team in the play of "shatong" and how i threw a stone at him because he punched me, how he can't hide his true age from me, how I can't believe that he doesn't have a girl (maybe not "a girl" but "girlsss").

Somewhere between feeling awkward and feeling relieved to see that he did not stay the same as the dream-of-a-hunk I so desired, I realized how futile and tiring it was to keep on being mad at him, or anyone for that matter. After a while, I even felt happy that he's here and I was talking to him like a real friend.

They wanted to watch a movie but I had to go home to study for my finals. His cousin took a picture of us. He put his arms on my shoulder... and i let him. Just like old times. I said goodbye. I went and did not look back.

AAANNNNGGGGGST.....

kainis. i wasn't able to post my blog last night because the computer stopped. Wala lang trip nya lang... ARG!

what happened to me today:

1) slept like 330am because i had to study the program that i did not make, which i have to make a defense/presentation on. good thing the program works beautifully.

2) meeting with my JPV. naasiwa ako coz i haven't submitted my program pa...

3) submitted jordan's program. I need to set up a meeting with him to present it

4) micharl is here. he invited me to go out tonight sa may san beda area. i wanted to go at first pero decided against it. too far, too late, too busy, too in love with another guy......! (charing!) funny, kinabahan pa rin ako at kinilig ng konti. pero wala na talaga. as in WALA.

gotta wrap up work.