I couldnt sleep last night. So I was thought in the dark and asked myself yet again why I was where I was. And why B couldn't seem to understand. I realized that ever since college, I haven't really formed a "me" because I always had to consider other people: my family and B. I dont think I regret doing that, especially for B. I know I became a better person because of him. It's just the reality that led me to where I am right now. Now... when I am at the stage where I will have to decide if I want to enter a relationship that should last forever. I am scared I'll never be able to recognize me myself if I did choose that... because whether I deny it or not, one can ever be independent in marriage or any form of partnership. Yes, we could be co-dependent with our partners. But it's not the same.
The difference between me and B, even when we were still in college, he already knew what would make him happy, in terms of career and life in general. As for me, I didn't. I was a clean slate. I took in whatever life threw my way and lived with it. Looking back, I think I was happy.
However, most of the time, my life took the mold of the people important to me: family, friends, B. Even when I was a yuppie (I consider myself "un-yuppie" already), I wasn't able to form a life I could call all my own.
So to answer the questions: "what do you want? what would make you happy?"... I have no freaking idea what I want. Or what my dreams are. Or what would make me happy.
I had this conversation with a friend. I asked her how she came to the conclusion that she wanted to get married. According to her, she knew that getting married and having a kid would make her happy. So she asked me the same thing: what will make me happy? And my answer was the same: I don't freaking know. Haahhaa...
BUT would you really know what will make you happy, without actually experiencing that thing? I told her, I wouldn't know if being a mom or a wife will make me happy. Because I've never been a wife or a mom. I'll never know if seeing the world will make me happy because I've never seen the world. I'll never know if changing careers will make me happy, because I've never taken that road.
I do know that being with my family and friends makes me happy. I know I'm happy when im with B, because I spent 10 happy years with him (albeit some of it rocky in between).
I guess we don't really know. What we do know is to have faith that some things will make us happy.
I don't know what I want for my future. Right now, all I want is to slowly see myself unfolding. And when I know myself just enough to still remain "me" (no matter how dysfunctional) even in marriage, then I will choose to live the rest of my life with B (if he'll have me, of course).
Yes, despite everything and because of everything, it's him I want to be with. Because it's the one thing I'm sure that made me happy.
Will enduring a lifetime with him make me happy? I don't know.
But I have faith that it will.
