Thoughts from Down-under (part one)...
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Paula and I have been writing to each other for the past week. I've been troubled by disturbing (not psychopathic though) thoughts lately. Being my shrink, she has always helped me put my head in the right direction. Now, I just have to figure out for myself if that's the direction I really want to take. Hahaha!
Thanks, Pau!
----- Original Message ----
From: January Kristi Migalbin
To: Paula Gamboa
Sent: Monday, February 12, 2007 1:20:04 PM
Subject: Re: Hi!
to be honest, i don't know if going away will make me happy. i know i won't be able to "complete" myself before getting married. but i do know that i want time for myself. i want it before getting married. and i want it soon. i know that if i don't have this, something will always be missing. and i will always look back at this.
i want to find myself again. i want to know what makes me what i am without him or anyone else.
its weird. being with bucky for this long changed me for the better. i know i am a better person now because i am with him. ive become more mature, less demanding of people, ive learned that it's ok to make mistakes and say sorry. ive learned to be happy. now i want to know myself as me. i want to know if i can stand up on my own. because i need to. it's good to have someone beside you. but i think it's better to know that you can stand up on your own. having someone beside you is just the bonus.
nobody becomes an expert in relationships, i think. even people in long relationships end up hurting each other or fall apart. i think you are in a better state now to have a relationship. you've come far. you've survived a heartache. and you say you are at peace with yourself. knowing who you are before getting into a relationship is a healthy start. you know what you want, and you know yourself enough to be able to make compromises with a partner without feeling "nalugi". and you'll know that if you ever get into a relationship, it will be for the right reasons.
Yes, we are indeed growing up. reading this whole thread is like reading a script in sex and the city. minus the string of boys and the never-ending sex. hahaha!
----- Original Message ----
From: Paula Gamboa
To: January Kristi Migalbin
Sent: Friday, February 9, 2007 7:54:27 AM
Subject: RE: Hi!
I am not an expert when it comes to relationships. Never been in one and I am seriously asking myself if I am built for committment. The thought of being with only one person is terrifying and comforting at the same time. I know there is no 'right one' but there is someone we will choose to stick it out with. I have not met that person. I never talked about it before but it does get weird having all your friends in relationships. I never gave it much thought but being here I have. It would be nice to come home to someone. It will be nice to have someone to do things together with. It will be nice to just sit back relax and know that you're in good company. I have reached a point when I think I know myself too much and enjoy being with me that I'm afraid I may get too used to it. I'd like to get into a relationship for the right reasons though. Not because I am lonely or because everyone else is in one.
I agree it's about completing yourself. For me being complete is when you are at peace with who you are and what you are about. I don't think you complete yourself at a certain age though. People grow up and it's a process of becoming :)
Do what you think will make you happy. And you know what? Only you can tell what will make you happy. From experience, you feel at peace when you know you've made the right choice for yourself. A lot of people will be affected by the decisions you make. But at the end of the day, you have to be able to live with yourself and the decisions you make for you. It sounds selfish but it's the truth. Other people don't make you happy - you ulitmately make the choice how other people's actions make you feel di ba? Other people mean well but we end up hurt - because we choose for their actions to hurt us.
Bucky has been there for what seems like forever. But you manage without him don't you? Whatever decision you make, it will affect your life. It's THE fork road everyone seems to talk about. My only advise is whatever you decide don't look back at what-could-have-been if you chose to do the other thing(s). Look forward to the what-could-be in the situation you chose to put yourself in.
We are growing up aren't we? :)
Keep in touch. I love getting mails from you - it keeps me connected to home :)
----- Original Message ----
From: January Kristi Migalbin
Sent: Thursday, 8 February 2007 3:45 PM
To: Paula Gamboa
Subject: Re: Hi!
hahaha! oo nga, reading your emails is like reading a philo paper. but its nice reading your emails. it calms me down. made me realize that there's much to be thankful for.
there are still things that i want to do, pero not as drastic as i thought necessary. there's still that nagging feeling of wanting more, or wanting something different. when i think of the reasons why i want to stay, the only thing i can think of is bucky. and i fear asking myself why i don't feel that he's not enough. i feel so guilty and confused when I start thinking about this. and i begin to ask myself: dont i love him enough? do i love him at all? is he the right person for me?
i do love him, and we feel "right" together. so why do I still feel this way?
i guess having someone to love (and who loves you back), cannot complete a person. you need to complete yourself. i think being away from Bucky is part of completing myself. i've been with him for the past 10 years. i cannot imagine myself without him. that thought scares me. i feel that i need to imagine myself without him. i dont want to be forever identified with another person.
take care, and thanks.
----- Original Message ----
From: Paula Gamboa
To: January Kristi Migalbin
Sent: Wednesday, February 7, 2007 8:10:34 AM
Subject: RE: Hi!
Hey there.....Hahahaha, I can knock some sense into you but can't seem to knock some sense in my own little brain sometimes :D But that's what friends are for right? We need to look out for each other =) Come visit soon! I hope I'll be good at driving on the freeway then we can travel to the other states by car.
I think it is difficult for people who leave someone behind. Again, it's about finding reasons to stay rather than leave. Some people can make that sacrifice. I am not one of those people. When I think of it I guess things kinda fell into place. I think the time I left was the right time. What I learned so far is the fact that lonely doesn't mean you are alone. You can be with so many people and still be lonely. I know it sounds crazy but I feel at peace. Alam mo yun feeling na the world is a beautiful place and you like waking up each day? When I have nothing to do, I walk. I normally end up in the supermarket getting stuff for the house. I like walking now. It gives me a sense of peace. I must sound like an old woman :P Pero I've never felt like this. It's far from perfect ...I've also realized perfect is too much. (Read my blog).
I learned that in life we have to take risks, even if it means getting hurt. That we need to recognize when we can't do something alone and need others to help us. But we should also know when to stop trying. There's a fine line between pursuing what you want and doing things to get it - and knowing that there are some things you just can't have.
Reading my mails feeling ko nagme-meron ako. hahahaha, may natutunan din ako sa ateneo
----- Original Message ----
From: January Kristi Migalbin
Sent: Tuesday, 6 February 2007 7:34 PM
To: Paula Gamboa
Subject: Re: Hi!
Thanks. you really have a way of knocking sense into me. after all, you're my shrink (whether u like it or not)! hahaha!
you're right, i need to think about my realities first before making a decision. i guess my judgement has been clouded by irrational fears or baseless needs or useless reasons. hahaha! we shall see. i'll be processing all these more thoroughly.
im so happy for you, that things are falling into place. im sure you'll have a great adventure down there. keep me posted. for now, i'll live vicariously through you. so post your pix!
take care
----- Original Message ----
From: Paula Gamboa
To: January Kristi Migalbin
Sent: Tuesday, February 6, 2007 1:24:56 PM
Subject: RE: Hi!
Australia is a nice country but from my point of view, you need a lot of money to stick it out here. You can't just show up here without money or a job. Some people do it and I reckon they make a lot of sacrifices to make both ends meet. If you are used to having everything you need whenever you want it, this is not the place to be. I know I said it's not about the money (why I chose this vs Singapore) but I am realising that money is important for survival. It is expensive to live here and to come over without guaranteed employment will be tough. You need to rent a house and furnish it at the same time. Furniture and appliances are expensive (especially if you buy what you really want instead of just buying whatever you see that is cheap). I don't regret coming out here but I sure am depleting my savings in the Philippines settling down.
My opinion is you need to think about what really matters to you. If you go to Australia or Singapore, you are risking a relationship. If you think it's worth it, go for it. Don't expect it will be easy and make sure you can live with yourself after you've made your decision. When you're away from home you start asking yourself why you left in the first place. Trust me, you need a pretty damn good reason to convince yourself to stick it out. The folks I'm with here from the Philippines don't like it here and talk about going home soon. I won't say this country is perfect but I am not thinking about going home yet. Because I know what I'm here for...and when I lie awake at night all alone in a big house (it's a 2 story townhouse) I still feel at peace with myself.
Living in another country isn't what it's cut out to be. I never thought I'd say that but it's true. It's a lot of hardwork, it's about re-building your life. It's about responsibility, it's about independence - but it's also about knowing that there are things you can't do alone. It's about putting a smile on your face even when you feel like shite, it's about initiating conversation with strangers hoping one of them will become your friend. It's about being comfortable being around yourself too much as you try to build that support system all over again. It's about knowing why you are away from home in the first place.
So think about it long and hard. If I had someone in the Philippines, I honestly don't think I'd be here. If I find someone here, I don't think I'd be coming home. It's about finding reasons to stay rather than finding reasons to leave I think.
That in a nutshell are my thoughts =P
----- Original Message ----
From: January Kristi Migalbin
Sent: Tuesday, 6 February 2007 3:48 PM
To: Paula GamboaS
ubject: Re: Hi!
i know, i know. pero either way, i could have regrets. i guess i just need to decide which course im gonna take and accept everything that comes along with it.
i'll edit my CV muna. how did u do yours? as in super detailed ng tasks per project na ginawa mo? mejo summarized version lang kasi un sa akin.
my ex-officemate, who just recently transferred there, sent me a belated bday greeting. naisip ko lang, sobrang malapit ko ng mag-30. napag-iisipan ko na ang future. kaya medyo magulo ang isip ko. Di ko alam ang gagawin ko sa buhay ko. I’ve been thinking hard about this lately. At gulong-gulo na ang isip ko. I really need other people’s opinions. Alam mo namang I want to work abroad kahit sandali lang before getting married.
HAY…..
Sorry ha, sinama kita dito sa gulo ko. Ewan ko ba. ganito talaga siguro ang tumatanda. Hope you can share your thoughts.
Ingat ka jan.
----- Original Message ----
From: Paula Gamboa
To: January Kristi Migalbin
Sent: Monday, February 5, 2007 12:48:41 PM
Subject: RE: Hi!
Hahahaha...I prefer boys :P Men to be exact. Hahahaha..'nuff said.
Don't live vicariously through others, it's waay better to live it yourself. And do what makes you happy then you have lesser what-ifs in life. Sometimes when we are impulsive we become better people.
You don't need a shrink...maybe you just need a couple of drinks :P
----- Original Message ----
From: January Kristi Migalbin
Sent: Thursday, 1 February 2007 3:27 PM
T o: Paula Gamboa
Subject: Re: Hi!
hi, glad to here you're finding your way there. ganyan talaga ang bagong lipat, especially if its a new place and you have no one close to hold on to. the good thing about that is you get to meet new people and make new friends (and you're away from dysfunctional family members. hehe)
im sure you wont do anything you'll regret. even if you do, ok lang yan. bata pa tayo. we're allowed to make mistakes sometimes. hehehe. so don't be too cautious. have fun, especially with boys! or girls, for that matter. whatever you like is fine with me. hehehe.
i have no more kwento. still the same: im a mess. im just floating around. and yes, i live vicariously thru you. because i know i cant will myself to do what you did. maybe i can, but i need to face the threat that i could lose bucky. and that will really devastate me. i know i want to live abroad for a while. kaya lang feeling ko i won't be able to, kasi i have only 3 years before we get married. it sounds bad, but i feel trapped. Im happy with Bucky and the life that we share. it's just that i always have this nagging feeling that i can do so much more than just get married and have kids. when i see that picture in my head, it feels like a dead-end. weird? sometimes i feel guilty that im wanting things for myself, and as a consequence making bucky feel that he's not enough to make me happy. maybe he isnt enough? is that bad? God, i need a shrink.
----- Original Message ----
From: Paula Gamboa
To: January Kristi Migalbin
Sent: Wednesday, January 31, 2007 6:40:31 AM
Subject: RE: Hi!
I'm enjoying it down under. Haha. Not much action going on but I did go out last night with the guy I met from the plane on the way over. I'm being good, haha. But I am having fun ;) Go figure. Don't worry I won't do anything I will regret, my brain is far smarter than my heart now. He kept me sane last week, he called almost every night (he was in Sydney then). He's leaving Saturday so I need to find another 'diversion' starting next week.
ps - why live vicariously through someone when you can do it yourself. something for you to think about :)
----- Original Message ----
From: January Kristi Migalbin
Sent: Tuesday, 30 January 2007 11:38 PM
To: Paula Gamboa
Subject: Re: Hi!
Hi! Finally, may office email ka na rin!
to be honest, i'm such a mess right now. i know what i want, pero feeling ko, there are so many obstacles and there are so many things i cannot control.
but enough about me. did u meet up with that certain officemate na? what's his name again? any juicy details? did u contact eyos na?
hope u get a house soon. take pictures at padalahan mo ako. i'll live vicariously thru you. hahaha!