SATURDAY in the OFFICE

like a good girl who couldn't finish her homework last night because of exhaustion, i woke up early this saturday to go back to the office and finish my business. just to find out that the person (a client) who i'm supposed to work with this morning (so that i could finish my job before lunch break) hasn't even left from her freakin house yet. even my boss who was supposed to be here is not here. howell....

i wanted to write to somebody about the "mundane-ness" of my life. and so i write here.

i terribly miss home. it's just funny because after 7 years away from home, it was only last december that i felt... at home. when i was in high school, i remember feeling impatiently waiting for high school graduation so that i could then move to manila for college, away from home, away from mom's nagging and sparingly-given praise, from my brothers' kakulitan, away from high expectations, and other people's hopes for me... i actually enjoyed my freedom. till now.

i'm 24 years old. come to think of it, some of my contemporaries are already thinking of getting married and having kids, ARE getting married and having kids, talking of buying long-term investments. while here i am, angsty about work and pay and how it sucks having to be employed to eke out a living, thinking about where i'll get money for my holy-week vacation, at the same time, for paying the never-ending stream of bills.

i'm at the time of my life where i begin to look back and ask what actually happened to me. what happened to me for the past 7 years? why am i where i am? am i happy with what i am and what i've become? what will happen to me? everyday i face these questions. before i go to sleep, when i wake up, when i take a bath or take a poo, when i eat alone or watch TV, when i see old friends and see what they've become and how they've been, when i see college friends and see what they've become and how they've been, when i'm bored with work and find nothing else to do, when i'm overwhelmed with work and don't know what else to do... everyday, the answer seems to be getting clearer, yet i still couldn't figure it out. it's like taking a far-away picture of birds circling the sea on a clear day. You know that there are birds flying, but you can't actually see what kind of birds they are... the answer is there, but not quite.

funny. i used to think i was so sure of myself. that i had it all figured out. little did i know, this is just the beginning of a wonderfully terrible thing called LIFE.

WHAT A WAY TO START THE NEW YEAR

I psyched myself up with regards to work last sunday (even though i didn't want to go back). in my mind, i made some resolutions: go to work early, finish work promptly and not dilly-dally with the Internet and personal stuff, lesser of call-in sick, among other things. Now, i find myself swamped with work and the year just started!!!! getting stressed already. and to think that my brain is not working as much as it used to. really, i just find myself going blank and not understanding stuff... alzhiemer's (tama ba spelling?) yata to... or quarter-life-crisis-intensity-level-3. hay ang dami kong gustong gawin before march. i'll try to sort my muddled brain one of these days...