OBSESSED???????????????

OF COURSE NOT.

i just need closure. and i will do it myself. soon.

HEAR WHAT OPRAH HAD TO SAY ABOUT MEN

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. I

f a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. (Hahahaha!)

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house.

Never co-sign for a man. D

on't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Halleluya!

As an full-grown adult, responsible, and attached (but not married) woman, I finally experienced the dread that most of us (at least my kind) feel when the hormones go haywire and the monthly female discomfort doesn't arrive. I suddenly found myself wishing, praying for THAT discomfort.

I didn't go to the doctor or do any tests as I was confident that it would arrive any day soon. But I was mistaken. When things like these happen, one is pushed to think or say, "Crap, what the fuck will I do with this???". And I did just that. It made me think of how my life and my priorities would change, and how it will affect my relationship with Bucky, my parents, my friends, my relatives.

Though I had so many fears (i actually remember trembling sometimes because of the uncertainty), it is not so tragic for me anymore. If I were in this situation 2 or 3 years ago, I would've felt dead with worry and panic. Now, I could financially support myself and a child. I have a fairly decent job, and I think I already have the skills of a mother.

But am I ready? For the whole shebang?

My gut-feel was, and still is: I am not. I still want to work abroad, shop and travel for myself without feeling guilty, drink and smoke sometimes, do whatever and whenever I like without any responsibilities. I am not ready to give up my shallow independence.

But will one ever be ready for these things? When can a person say that he's ready for parenthood and a lifelong commitment and responsibility. A parent cannot retire, as long as the chilren are alive, there's always looking and worrying after. I guess one can be ready financially, and to some extent psychologically. But we can never really know unless it already there staring at you in the face. Maybe that's how we get our dysfunctionality. Our parents always has some reservation about having us, and yet there is no other morally-correct choice but ... to have us. We just need to do our best and pray that we don't raise socio-psychopaths. I think I'm ready to cut my folks some slack. They had it harder.

So, I was in this quandary, when finally, one cold morning, my monthly visitor came. I've never been so happy. When I finally told Bucky, he was very much relieved (though he wanted to punch me because I made a joke about it- that I was on the way).

Im sort of thankful that this happened. It made me realize a lot of things. Like being more careful next time. =D

"It is only prudent never to place complete confidence in that by which we have even once been deceived."
- Rene Descartes (1596-1650), "Meditations"

THE WEDDING DATE Quotable Quotes:

1)

I just... I wanted to say thank you for not outing me in front of Ed.

I want to tell him, just not the night before our wedding.You know, with these things, timing is everything.

You're right. You shouId time it right, so that when he hears that you repeatedIy screwed his best friend,he won't feeI llke the worId is collapsing and there's no escape because you tricked him into marrying you.

- Kat...
- Don't worry. Your wedding wllI be perfect.

Tomorrow I'll say all the right things and you'll deaI with Ed when you're ready.

But right now, tonight, I'm not going to pretend it's OK.

-----------------

2) ''Every woman has the exact Iove llfe she wants.'' --- by hook or by crook!!!

"You must act in your friend's interest whether it pleases him or not; the object of love is to serve, not to win" - Woodrow Wilson

The last quarter of 2005 was a roller coaster ride. And most of it revolved around a recurring theme which doesn't really concern me, but has deeply affected me. To this day, it still causes me sadness. But then again, it's not my life to lead, not my mistake to commit, not my stupidity to regret.

But I digress.

Looking back at the past year, I could definitely say that it was a much better year, in terms of work. I gained the weight that I lost at this time last year [after i just quit AIU]. Too much weight, in fact, that most of my clothes are Tight. notice the capital "T". Signs of a good year. I was able to manage my work-related stress better, albeit i had to manage a different kind of stress as compared to the time when i was in AIU. I still don't know which one I'd choose: AIU or Smart. I dunno. Can i just be a housewife instead? Harhar! Joke!

I've also been talking to Bucky about my plans of going to Singapore next year. I think it hit him hard knowing that I could really be leaving so soon. Whenever we discuss this, he either pretends he doesnt care ("Bahala ka...") or he tells me not to go. But lately, i think, he's more open to the idea. I think he knows that I need this. I'm also scared that we won't be able to stand the stress of long distance relationship, or that we'll find other partners, or that the love will just die out because of not being together. But then again, i don't want that as my reason for staying, that i'll stay just because of fear. I know that if I sacrifice not going to Singapore for the sake of preserving my relationship with Bucky, I will have regrets. And at some point in my life, when I've settled down with him, i will lash out at him because of those regrets. Ayoko naman ng ganun.

Going back to my main topic: "You must act in your friend's interest whether it pleases him or not; the object of love is to serve, not to win"... Someone dear to me, almost like the sister I never had, is walking into a kind of life that I know is going to be full of pain. Because of some things that were unexpected (but a blessing nonetheless), she's so intent on her decision. i've asked her to think about things because this one decision will affect her future life's happines, and 2 other people. I've already been part of the life she wants to take. I know what could happen. Hay, its unfair to always compare her future to the life that I had. But she wouldn't lose anything if she'll think about what I told her.

It's so hard to be scared for someone else. But then again, it's not my life to lead, not my mistake to commit, not my stupidity to regret. So I let it go. I've helped her in the best way I can. I hope she doesn't resent me for almost crossing the border of being mean.

I have a knack for feeling "what will most likely happen". I've proven it so many times since i was a child. Call it superstition, but I listen to my gut. And right now, my gut is telling me that she should be more discerning on what she should do and what is best for her. Despite that, I sincerely hope she'll be happy, and that i'll be proven wrong. i'll be gladly proven wrong on this one. For her sake.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --

"You must act in your friend's interest whether it pleases him or not; the object of love is to serve, not to win"
- Woodrow Wilson

"Don't let anyone rob you of your imagination, your creativity, or your curiosity. It's your place in the world; it's your life. Go on and do all you can with it, and make it the life you want to live. "

— Mae Jemison

"It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp."

~ Anonymous ~

The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.
Author: Ambrose Bierce

Quiet Desperation 2

Another piece from my work-angsty-BF:

"Aspice, officio fungeris sine spe honoris amplioris"

It means -- Face it, you're stuck in a dead end job.

A lot of Generation X' ers can fully grasp the meaning of this statement. Its as though you were hit by a rock or you urinated after holding it for a few hours. The sudden physical impact causes a jolt of existential awarness, so to speak. The sudden pain or pleasure makes you realize that you are still alive! Unfortunately, however, realizing that you exit, you start to ask yourself . . . What am I doing here? Squeezing the depths of your awarness, you find no answer. It is as though the answer does not come in one sitting but in stages. It may be a process. Who knows?

For now, I find solace in the fact that sometimes (not all the time) in my vocation, I become an instrument of God's justice, in man's feeble attempt to emulate with god-like precision,by casting upon his fellow man the rewards for doing what's right and the burden for doing what's wrong.

Quiet Desperation

Bucky has been working for almost 2 years now. Like most of us, the 2nd year of working in the corporate world really takes a toll on one's psyche. On my second year, I remember feeling trapped, feeling scared to quit my job to look for a new one, feeling insecure & so unsure of my skills and even myself. It was on the 2nd year when I began to seriously think of finding a new job. It was delayed for a year, until finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I guess this is true for most of my batchmates. Either they stayed on with same company but moved to a different position or group, or really moved to another company, another industry, another country. Very few of us were lucky to succeed in the field of our passion. I'm not one of them.

Anyway, here is what Bucky has to say:

"Living the life of quiet desperation, amidst the monotony and drudgery of daily existence, man in his search for meaning can only hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel and the rains will come though the sun is scorching. And so, as I, more appropriately as we, the citizens of the this earth, go about our usual grind, we should always remember that every thought, word or action can change our world forever. Unfortunately, however, we have to change ourselves first.

Remember that biatch!"

Hope this message will enlighten you – God bless you!

"Every day should be a good day and you should live it like it's your last. Some people live a life of anger, frustration, pain, jealousy, and/or dishonesty, but all of these things will come to pass when your time here is over. Just take a moment to think, we will not be on this earth forever.

One day, we will not have to worry about going to work or how we will make our car payment. We will not have to worry where our next meal will come from, or how we can buy that beautiful house. At anytime, God could take us off of this earth, so you should appreciate today and not worry about tomorrow, for nobody knows what tomorrow will bring.

When you wake up each morning, thank the Lord for waking you up. When you lie down to sleep at night, thank the Lord for another day. If you have a job, thank the Lord for your place of employment. Ask that He may bless you in everything that you do. Ask Him to give you the knowledge and the wisdom to do your job. If you don't have a job, thank Him anyway. Ask him to direct you to the job that is right for you. When you are eating breakfast, lunch or dinner, say a prayer. Thank the Lord for providing food and nourishment to your body. If you are healthy, thank the Lord for the health and strength in your body. If you aren't, thank Him anyway for life, and ask Him to heal your body. So the next time that you get mad, think twice. The next time you complain about something at your job, think twice. T

he next time you say you wish you had steak instead of chicken, think twice. Be thankful for what you have, and the life that God has given you. Pray and ask the Lord for guidance. Be sincere, as God knows whether or not we mean it from the heart. Help those in need as a gift from your heart, and not so you can get a pat on the back. Put forth the extra effort in everything that you do. Go after what you want in life, and do whatever it takes to achieve your goals. No matter how perfect you think you are, there is always room for improvement, and an opportunity for you to do better. If you are depressed, don't cry just hold your head up and the Lord will help you through.

Pray and ask the Lord to deliver you from your state of depression. Whatever it is that you are depressed about, God will take that pain from your heart. It may not be at that moment, or that next hour, or maybe not even the next day, but He WILL do it if you just believe in Him. God may not show up when YOU want Him to, but He's ALWAYS right in time. God will not give us more than we can bear. Sometimes He will present us with issues that will test our faith, but you have to be strong enough to believe that God will do exactly what He says.

The message for today is to praise the Lord, have faith in the Lord, give thanks to the Lord, and live every day like it is your last. Theoretically speaking, if the Lord never does anything else for us, other than wake us up each day, put food in our mouths and clothes on our backs, we should thank Him anyway. He died so that we could have life on this earth. "

--- Anonymous ---

AMORE.

"..love is passion, obsession, someone you cant live w/out. If you dont start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels, find someone you can love like crazy & who'll love you the same way back. and how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart..Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back..the truth is there is no sense living your life w/out this. To make the journey & not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived at all.."

Before getting hurt, before taking the risk, it has to be someone who'll love you the same way back, not someone who'll treat you like a doormat.

Amen.

While waiting for my ride...

this afternoon, my boss, my teammate and I hid in a mini-conference room to discuss the demise of my teammate. She's been contemplating resigning for a long time now but I didn't expect that it would be this soon. something must have irritated her today that sparked her head off. i told her to think it over. she might be making a rash decision.

i guess i have worked for so long that i don't let the little things get to me. Manhid na ako. Well, I guess, it's really a series of disappointments that build up and finally make me realize that I'm already miserable.

Bucky said that one should use one's "miserable-ness" when deciding to leave a job. He's right. Let's be realistic. Only so few of us are really happy with our work. I am lucky to have 1 such friend. but for most of us, it really is a drag. we complain every morning, waking up with heavy... everything, staring into the computer & pretending to work, never getting satisfied with the pay, with management, with almost everything. Well, if you're not doing what you love, wherever you work, no matter how much pay you get, work will always be as it is. A DRAG. so given that, decide to leave work when it has gone beyond the point of just being a drag. if you're utterly & totally miserable that you take unannounced leaves, you submit mediocre work, then leave. but if you can still take it, stay a while. things may get better, or your attitude may change, or until you become miserable.

whereever you go, make sure that it pays more than your previous job. it's the only sure thing about work that you can count on. don't get a pay cut, hoping that the work conditions are going to be better. No, you wouldn't know for sure if it really is better until you're inside. at some point or another, it's going to be the same corporate bullshit anyway. So count on something that is tangible at first hand, your PAY.

TOUGH LUCK for millions of us...

BLOGGING Anniversarry

3 years of blogging (sep2002 - sep2005)

- writing down useless thoughts, channeling excess energy, processing my psyche, adding garbage in the net.

long-live pyschopath bitches!!!!!!!!!!!! hurrah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Have a dream; have a plan; and take risks" - Simeon Manuel Paterno

DO NOT SETTLE.

"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick.

Don't lose faith.

I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what Id id. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers.

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking.

Don't settle.

As with all matters oftheheart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it.

Don't settle."

~ Steve Jobs (Stanford Commencement)

Not-Just-Random-Thoughts

I had an exciting weekend. Details not be be disclosed. The events actually do not directly concern me but they have caused me to wonder on relationships, human weakness, & forgiveness. No, I didn't go to a bible seminar or something like that. Something happened that caused me to look into my own life & if I have the right to judge other people.

The single point of contention is INFIDELITY.

When I was younger, I would see it all the time in the TV, komiks, books... Always distant, but never directly experiencing it. Now that I'm in my mid-20s and my parents are going through midlife hell, I am thrown right in the middle of it. My dad had (or still has) an affair. It wrecked my mother (and she is still recovering even after 2 years of "reconciliation"), my brother's & my relationship with dad. It's a reality that is so destructive to the basic relationship between a man & a woman.

Or is it?

Maybe we have just been socialized to accept that infidelity is bad, that having only one "legal" life partner is the right thing? But isn't looking for someone who will love you, and you alone, a basic human need that pre-dates socialization?

I don't know. And nobody would have an answer, I guess.

As for me, I believe that infidelity only becomes destructive insofar as the infidel seeks out a real relationship with another person. Casual sex and one-night-stands don't count (as long as it doesn't develop into a relationship). If a relationship between the infidel & the other person grows, sentimentalities & attachments are created. Which fucks up everything. Just like what my father did.

I am affected so much by what happened this weekend because it hits so close to home. I may have not been cheated on, but I've had experienced first hand the destructive force of cheating. More so that it happened to my family (not just in a BF-GF relationship) where one cannot just cut off ties to start anew.

But then again, it's not my life. Even if I am affected, I don't have any say in the exciting events that transpired this weekend. I just hope that the people I care about don't get hurt as I was and don't sacrifice as much as I did.

Luncbreak

Ranting

I've been skipping between doing work & surfing the net. I can't seem to bring myself to concentrate on work. I am so distracted lately. And bitchy about work. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find the perfect job for me. When I was in AIU, I enjoyed the job: talking to users, documentation, working with developers, testing, etc. But it didn't stop me from complaining about my not-so-satisfactory employment conditions: being contractual, having no benefits, having a smaller salary when in fact I was doing the same load as would a regular employee have, etc. So I started looking for a "better" job in a "better" company. How naive I was. I grabbed the opportunity in SMART. "Smart" move. NOT. All in all, knowing what I know now, I would have stayed in AIU. If I just welcomed management's interest to hire me as a regular, my salary would be humungous (yes, even with my current Smart salary + bonus), plus, lots of chances to go abroad for free. But the downside of working in AIU is the workhours. I've experienced working till 2am, including weekends. It went on for months. I couldn't take it. But then maybe I just needed rest. Oh well, everything I say here is moot & academic. I'm not there, Im here. So might as well live with it.

Live with it.

This has been my mantra for a long time now. Ever since I realized that being in Smart is not a smart choice. I know that I'm not satisfied with my current job. But I will not look for work in another company here in Manila (or so I say...) unless the salary is way up. I have decided to look for work in Singapore. I already started job hunting, albeit just in cyberspace. My jobhunting has been stalled because of my hectic schedule for the past 2 weeks. I shall resume hunting come this weekend. If I cannot find work in the internet, I will go to Singapore for at most a month to search for jobs there. I figured that Gen & some other ex-AIU friends are already there. I will have a place to crash. All I need to do is save money for daily expenses.

"I don't want to have what-ifs in my life."

Why I want to work in Singapore:
- The exchange rate is not bad.
- Plane fare is so cheap!
- Singapore is not too far from the Philippines. I can decide to go home any time.
- I have lotsa friends there.
- Shopping!
- I will be able to save for my future & help my family with the expenses at home.
- Somehow, I want to affirm myself that I have not been a failure in the field that I chose, that I can do it.

Why I don't want to work in Singapore:
- I will leave & terribly miss my close friends here.
- It will be harder to go home & be present for family gatherings.
- I will leave the comfort of familiarity. Moving will be too much of a hassle.
- I will leave Bucky & face the risk of losing him. Leaving Bucky will be the hardest part of all. We haven't been apart for more than a month ever since I lived in Makati. The longest we've been apart is when I went to Hongkong for work. We've grown so much together that it might be hard for both of us to adjust to being apart from each other. I think it will be especially hard for him because he really doesn't want me to go.

So where will all these take me?