Halleluya!

As an full-grown adult, responsible, and attached (but not married) woman, I finally experienced the dread that most of us (at least my kind) feel when the hormones go haywire and the monthly female discomfort doesn't arrive. I suddenly found myself wishing, praying for THAT discomfort.

I didn't go to the doctor or do any tests as I was confident that it would arrive any day soon. But I was mistaken. When things like these happen, one is pushed to think or say, "Crap, what the fuck will I do with this???". And I did just that. It made me think of how my life and my priorities would change, and how it will affect my relationship with Bucky, my parents, my friends, my relatives.

Though I had so many fears (i actually remember trembling sometimes because of the uncertainty), it is not so tragic for me anymore. If I were in this situation 2 or 3 years ago, I would've felt dead with worry and panic. Now, I could financially support myself and a child. I have a fairly decent job, and I think I already have the skills of a mother.

But am I ready? For the whole shebang?

My gut-feel was, and still is: I am not. I still want to work abroad, shop and travel for myself without feeling guilty, drink and smoke sometimes, do whatever and whenever I like without any responsibilities. I am not ready to give up my shallow independence.

But will one ever be ready for these things? When can a person say that he's ready for parenthood and a lifelong commitment and responsibility. A parent cannot retire, as long as the chilren are alive, there's always looking and worrying after. I guess one can be ready financially, and to some extent psychologically. But we can never really know unless it already there staring at you in the face. Maybe that's how we get our dysfunctionality. Our parents always has some reservation about having us, and yet there is no other morally-correct choice but ... to have us. We just need to do our best and pray that we don't raise socio-psychopaths. I think I'm ready to cut my folks some slack. They had it harder.

So, I was in this quandary, when finally, one cold morning, my monthly visitor came. I've never been so happy. When I finally told Bucky, he was very much relieved (though he wanted to punch me because I made a joke about it- that I was on the way).

Im sort of thankful that this happened. It made me realize a lot of things. Like being more careful next time. =D