"It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp."
~ Anonymous ~
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Friday, October 21, 2005
Quiet Desperation 2
It means -- Face it, you're stuck in a dead end job.
For now, I find solace in the fact that sometimes (not all the time) in my vocation, I become an instrument of God's justice, in man's feeble attempt to emulate with god-like precision,by casting upon his fellow man the rewards for doing what's right and the burden for doing what's wrong.
Another piece from my work-angsty-BF:
"Aspice, officio fungeris sine spe honoris amplioris"
It means -- Face it, you're stuck in a dead end job.
A lot of Generation X' ers can fully grasp the meaning of this statement. Its as though you were hit by a rock or you urinated after holding it for a few hours. The sudden physical impact causes a jolt of existential awarness, so to speak. The sudden pain or pleasure makes you realize that you are still alive! Unfortunately, however, realizing that you exit, you start to ask yourself . . . What am I doing here? Squeezing the depths of your awarness, you find no answer. It is as though the answer does not come in one sitting but in stages. It may be a process. Who knows?
For now, I find solace in the fact that sometimes (not all the time) in my vocation, I become an instrument of God's justice, in man's feeble attempt to emulate with god-like precision,by casting upon his fellow man the rewards for doing what's right and the burden for doing what's wrong.
Quiet Desperation
Remember that biatch!"
Bucky has been working for almost 2 years now. Like most of us, the 2nd year of working in the corporate world really takes a toll on one's psyche. On my second year, I remember feeling trapped, feeling scared to quit my job to look for a new one, feeling insecure & so unsure of my skills and even myself. It was on the 2nd year when I began to seriously think of finding a new job. It was delayed for a year, until finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I guess this is true for most of my batchmates. Either they stayed on with same company but moved to a different position or group, or really moved to another company, another industry, another country. Very few of us were lucky to succeed in the field of our passion. I'm not one of them.
Anyway, here is what Bucky has to say:
"Living the life of quiet desperation, amidst the monotony and drudgery of daily existence, man in his search for meaning can only hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel and the rains will come though the sun is scorching. And so, as I, more appropriately as we, the citizens of the this earth, go about our usual grind, we should always remember that every thought, word or action can change our world forever. Unfortunately, however, we have to change ourselves first.
Remember that biatch!"
Monday, October 03, 2005
Hope this message will enlighten you – God bless you!
"Every day should be a good day and you should live it like it's your last. Some people live a life of anger, frustration, pain, jealousy, and/or dishonesty, but all of these things will come to pass when your time here is over. Just take a moment to think, we will not be on this earth forever.
One day, we will not have to worry about going to work or how we will make our car payment. We will not have to worry where our next meal will come from, or how we can buy that beautiful house. At anytime, God could take us off of this earth, so you should appreciate today and not worry about tomorrow, for nobody knows what tomorrow will bring.
When you wake up each morning, thank the Lord for waking you up. When you lie down to sleep at night, thank the Lord for another day. If you have a job, thank the Lord for your place of employment. Ask that He may bless you in everything that you do. Ask Him to give you the knowledge and the wisdom to do your job. If you don't have a job, thank Him anyway. Ask him to direct you to the job that is right for you. When you are eating breakfast, lunch or dinner, say a prayer. Thank the Lord for providing food and nourishment to your body. If you are healthy, thank the Lord for the health and strength in your body. If you aren't, thank Him anyway for life, and ask Him to heal your body. So the next time that you get mad, think twice. The next time you complain about something at your job, think twice. T
he next time you say you wish you had steak instead of chicken, think twice. Be thankful for what you have, and the life that God has given you. Pray and ask the Lord for guidance. Be sincere, as God knows whether or not we mean it from the heart. Help those in need as a gift from your heart, and not so you can get a pat on the back. Put forth the extra effort in everything that you do. Go after what you want in life, and do whatever it takes to achieve your goals. No matter how perfect you think you are, there is always room for improvement, and an opportunity for you to do better. If you are depressed, don't cry just hold your head up and the Lord will help you through.
Pray and ask the Lord to deliver you from your state of depression. Whatever it is that you are depressed about, God will take that pain from your heart. It may not be at that moment, or that next hour, or maybe not even the next day, but He WILL do it if you just believe in Him. God may not show up when YOU want Him to, but He's ALWAYS right in time. God will not give us more than we can bear. Sometimes He will present us with issues that will test our faith, but you have to be strong enough to believe that God will do exactly what He says.
The message for today is to praise the Lord, have faith in the Lord, give thanks to the Lord, and live every day like it is your last. Theoretically speaking, if the Lord never does anything else for us, other than wake us up each day, put food in our mouths and clothes on our backs, we should thank Him anyway. He died so that we could have life on this earth. "
--- Anonymous ---
"Every day should be a good day and you should live it like it's your last. Some people live a life of anger, frustration, pain, jealousy, and/or dishonesty, but all of these things will come to pass when your time here is over. Just take a moment to think, we will not be on this earth forever.
One day, we will not have to worry about going to work or how we will make our car payment. We will not have to worry where our next meal will come from, or how we can buy that beautiful house. At anytime, God could take us off of this earth, so you should appreciate today and not worry about tomorrow, for nobody knows what tomorrow will bring.
When you wake up each morning, thank the Lord for waking you up. When you lie down to sleep at night, thank the Lord for another day. If you have a job, thank the Lord for your place of employment. Ask that He may bless you in everything that you do. Ask Him to give you the knowledge and the wisdom to do your job. If you don't have a job, thank Him anyway. Ask him to direct you to the job that is right for you. When you are eating breakfast, lunch or dinner, say a prayer. Thank the Lord for providing food and nourishment to your body. If you are healthy, thank the Lord for the health and strength in your body. If you aren't, thank Him anyway for life, and ask Him to heal your body. So the next time that you get mad, think twice. The next time you complain about something at your job, think twice. T
he next time you say you wish you had steak instead of chicken, think twice. Be thankful for what you have, and the life that God has given you. Pray and ask the Lord for guidance. Be sincere, as God knows whether or not we mean it from the heart. Help those in need as a gift from your heart, and not so you can get a pat on the back. Put forth the extra effort in everything that you do. Go after what you want in life, and do whatever it takes to achieve your goals. No matter how perfect you think you are, there is always room for improvement, and an opportunity for you to do better. If you are depressed, don't cry just hold your head up and the Lord will help you through.
Pray and ask the Lord to deliver you from your state of depression. Whatever it is that you are depressed about, God will take that pain from your heart. It may not be at that moment, or that next hour, or maybe not even the next day, but He WILL do it if you just believe in Him. God may not show up when YOU want Him to, but He's ALWAYS right in time. God will not give us more than we can bear. Sometimes He will present us with issues that will test our faith, but you have to be strong enough to believe that God will do exactly what He says.
The message for today is to praise the Lord, have faith in the Lord, give thanks to the Lord, and live every day like it is your last. Theoretically speaking, if the Lord never does anything else for us, other than wake us up each day, put food in our mouths and clothes on our backs, we should thank Him anyway. He died so that we could have life on this earth. "
--- Anonymous ---
Friday, September 30, 2005
AMORE.
"..love is passion, obsession, someone you cant live w/out. If you dont start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels, find someone you can love like crazy & who'll love you the same way back. and how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart..Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back..the truth is there is no sense living your life w/out this. To make the journey & not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived at all.."
Before getting hurt, before taking the risk, it has to be someone who'll love you the same way back, not someone who'll treat you like a doormat.
Amen.
"..love is passion, obsession, someone you cant live w/out. If you dont start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels, find someone you can love like crazy & who'll love you the same way back. and how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart..Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back..the truth is there is no sense living your life w/out this. To make the journey & not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived at all.."
Before getting hurt, before taking the risk, it has to be someone who'll love you the same way back, not someone who'll treat you like a doormat.
Amen.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
While waiting for my ride...
this afternoon, my boss, my teammate and I hid in a mini-conference room to discuss the demise of my teammate. She's been contemplating resigning for a long time now but I didn't expect that it would be this soon. something must have irritated her today that sparked her head off. i told her to think it over. she might be making a rash decision.
i guess i have worked for so long that i don't let the little things get to me. Manhid na ako. Well, I guess, it's really a series of disappointments that build up and finally make me realize that I'm already miserable.
this afternoon, my boss, my teammate and I hid in a mini-conference room to discuss the demise of my teammate. She's been contemplating resigning for a long time now but I didn't expect that it would be this soon. something must have irritated her today that sparked her head off. i told her to think it over. she might be making a rash decision.
i guess i have worked for so long that i don't let the little things get to me. Manhid na ako. Well, I guess, it's really a series of disappointments that build up and finally make me realize that I'm already miserable.
Bucky said that one should use one's "miserable-ness" when deciding to leave a job. He's right. Let's be realistic. Only so few of us are really happy with our work. I am lucky to have 1 such friend. but for most of us, it really is a drag. we complain every morning, waking up with heavy... everything, staring into the computer & pretending to work, never getting satisfied with the pay, with management, with almost everything. Well, if you're not doing what you love, wherever you work, no matter how much pay you get, work will always be as it is. A DRAG. so given that, decide to leave work when it has gone beyond the point of just being a drag. if you're utterly & totally miserable that you take unannounced leaves, you submit mediocre work, then leave. but if you can still take it, stay a while. things may get better, or your attitude may change, or until you become miserable.
whereever you go, make sure that it pays more than your previous job. it's the only sure thing about work that you can count on. don't get a pay cut, hoping that the work conditions are going to be better. No, you wouldn't know for sure if it really is better until you're inside. at some point or another, it's going to be the same corporate bullshit anyway. So count on something that is tangible at first hand, your PAY.
TOUGH LUCK for millions of us...
Monday, September 12, 2005
DO NOT SETTLE.
"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick.
Don't lose faith.
I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what Id id. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers.
Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking.
Don't settle.
As with all matters oftheheart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it.
Don't settle."
~ Steve Jobs (Stanford Commencement)
"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick.
Don't lose faith.
I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what Id id. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers.
Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking.
Don't settle.
As with all matters oftheheart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it.
Don't settle."
~ Steve Jobs (Stanford Commencement)
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Not-Just-Random-Thoughts
I had an exciting weekend. Details not be be disclosed. The events actually do not directly concern me but they have caused me to wonder on relationships, human weakness, & forgiveness. No, I didn't go to a bible seminar or something like that. Something happened that caused me to look into my own life & if I have the right to judge other people.
The single point of contention is INFIDELITY.
When I was younger, I would see it all the time in the TV, komiks, books... Always distant, but never directly experiencing it. Now that I'm in my mid-20s and my parents are going through midlife hell, I am thrown right in the middle of it. My dad had (or still has) an affair. It wrecked my mother (and she is still recovering even after 2 years of "reconciliation"), my brother's & my relationship with dad. It's a reality that is so destructive to the basic relationship between a man & a woman.
Or is it?
Maybe we have just been socialized to accept that infidelity is bad, that having only one "legal" life partner is the right thing? But isn't looking for someone who will love you, and you alone, a basic human need that pre-dates socialization?
I don't know. And nobody would have an answer, I guess.
As for me, I believe that infidelity only becomes destructive insofar as the infidel seeks out a real relationship with another person. Casual sex and one-night-stands don't count (as long as it doesn't develop into a relationship). If a relationship between the infidel & the other person grows, sentimentalities & attachments are created. Which fucks up everything. Just like what my father did.
I am affected so much by what happened this weekend because it hits so close to home. I may have not been cheated on, but I've had experienced first hand the destructive force of cheating. More so that it happened to my family (not just in a BF-GF relationship) where one cannot just cut off ties to start anew.
But then again, it's not my life. Even if I am affected, I don't have any say in the exciting events that transpired this weekend. I just hope that the people I care about don't get hurt as I was and don't sacrifice as much as I did.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Luncbreak
Why I want to work in Singapore:
- The exchange rate is not bad.
- Plane fare is so cheap!
- Singapore is not too far from the Philippines. I can decide to go home any time.
- I have lotsa friends there.
- Shopping!
- I will be able to save for my future & help my family with the expenses at home.
- Somehow, I want to affirm myself that I have not been a failure in the field that I chose, that I can do it.
Why I don't want to work in Singapore:
- I will leave & terribly miss my close friends here.
- It will be harder to go home & be present for family gatherings.
- I will leave the comfort of familiarity. Moving will be too much of a hassle.
- I will leave Bucky & face the risk of losing him. Leaving Bucky will be the hardest part of all. We haven't been apart for more than a month ever since I lived in Makati. The longest we've been apart is when I went to Hongkong for work. We've grown so much together that it might be hard for both of us to adjust to being apart from each other. I think it will be especially hard for him because he really doesn't want me to go.
So where will all these take me?
Ranting
I've been skipping between doing work & surfing the net. I can't seem to bring myself to concentrate on work. I am so distracted lately. And bitchy about work. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find the perfect job for me. When I was in AIU, I enjoyed the job: talking to users, documentation, working with developers, testing, etc. But it didn't stop me from complaining about my not-so-satisfactory employment conditions: being contractual, having no benefits, having a smaller salary when in fact I was doing the same load as would a regular employee have, etc. So I started looking for a "better" job in a "better" company. How naive I was. I grabbed the opportunity in SMART. "Smart" move. NOT. All in all, knowing what I know now, I would have stayed in AIU. If I just welcomed management's interest to hire me as a regular, my salary would be humungous (yes, even with my current Smart salary + bonus), plus, lots of chances to go abroad for free. But the downside of working in AIU is the workhours. I've experienced working till 2am, including weekends. It went on for months. I couldn't take it. But then maybe I just needed rest. Oh well, everything I say here is moot & academic. I'm not there, Im here. So might as well live with it.
Live with it.
This has been my mantra for a long time now. Ever since I realized that being in Smart is not a smart choice. I know that I'm not satisfied with my current job. But I will not look for work in another company here in Manila (or so I say...) unless the salary is way up. I have decided to look for work in Singapore. I already started job hunting, albeit just in cyberspace. My jobhunting has been stalled because of my hectic schedule for the past 2 weeks. I shall resume hunting come this weekend. If I cannot find work in the internet, I will go to Singapore for at most a month to search for jobs there. I figured that Gen & some other ex-AIU friends are already there. I will have a place to crash. All I need to do is save money for daily expenses.
"I don't want to have what-ifs in my life."
Why I want to work in Singapore:
- The exchange rate is not bad.
- Plane fare is so cheap!
- Singapore is not too far from the Philippines. I can decide to go home any time.
- I have lotsa friends there.
- Shopping!
- I will be able to save for my future & help my family with the expenses at home.
- Somehow, I want to affirm myself that I have not been a failure in the field that I chose, that I can do it.
Why I don't want to work in Singapore:
- I will leave & terribly miss my close friends here.
- It will be harder to go home & be present for family gatherings.
- I will leave the comfort of familiarity. Moving will be too much of a hassle.
- I will leave Bucky & face the risk of losing him. Leaving Bucky will be the hardest part of all. We haven't been apart for more than a month ever since I lived in Makati. The longest we've been apart is when I went to Hongkong for work. We've grown so much together that it might be hard for both of us to adjust to being apart from each other. I think it will be especially hard for him because he really doesn't want me to go.
So where will all these take me?
Monday, August 22, 2005
Random Rantings
--- about being harrassed & return-of-the-comback ---
Starting last week, i've finally been able to relax in the office. After more than a month of being harrassed, working on weekends & harboring evil thoughs (a.k.a. wanting-to-chop-my-bitch-of-a-manager-&-her-bitchier-colleague's-heads-with-a-butter-knife-kind of thoughts or going on AWOL), I finally was able to put my life in order. Because of my freaking work schedule, my laundry got stuck at home for about 2 months. God knows if living creatures are already inhabiting there. I delivered half of my laundry, which reached almost 10 kilos (!), to a neighborhood laundry shop. Bucky, Jaja & I went to dinner & coffee. Jaja was on the hot seat about her most recent "return-of-da-comeback" adventure. Like I told her, "Buti nga kay Mike. Ang tanga-tanga kasi."
--- about being harrassed & return-of-the-comback ---
Starting last week, i've finally been able to relax in the office. After more than a month of being harrassed, working on weekends & harboring evil thoughs (a.k.a. wanting-to-chop-my-bitch-of-a-manager-&-her-bitchier-colleague's-heads-with-a-butter-knife-kind of thoughts or going on AWOL), I finally was able to put my life in order. Because of my freaking work schedule, my laundry got stuck at home for about 2 months. God knows if living creatures are already inhabiting there. I delivered half of my laundry, which reached almost 10 kilos (!), to a neighborhood laundry shop. Bucky, Jaja & I went to dinner & coffee. Jaja was on the hot seat about her most recent "return-of-da-comeback" adventure. Like I told her, "Buti nga kay Mike. Ang tanga-tanga kasi."
--- about Bucky's transfer to a new apartment ---
Bucky finally left Mark in their rotting apartment. He transferred to a not-so-rotting & newly painted unit beside the old one. he spent so much money on house improvements that he's going to talk to the landlady regarding the expenses. I've been helping him with all the home improvements for the past 2 weeks that I feel as if I'm his wife. Creepy. I help him make his room, his house, I cook his breakfast, lunch & dinner. It's like we're.... married. The only thing missing is the marriage contract. I've been ambivalent about this but I can't help but 'pretend' to be the wife. To give credit to Bucky, he 'pretends' to be my husband. I'm torn between pretending to be a wife and being a girlfriend with a life other than the BF. I hate to think what will happen to him if I go with my plan to work in Singapore.
---
obviously, i don't want to work.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Remembering Pandan
May 2005
May 2005
Pandan can only be described by one word: BEAUTIFUL. I found beauty that was pure. Almost untouched by man. The sea air, the water, the sand, the corals, the turtles…
The trip was a nice respite from the hassle of city life. I really am a probinsyana at heart.
We left Manila at around 1am of Thursday. We didn’t have time to rest because Bucky & I came from work & we had to pack. Less than an hour in the bus and we were all asleep. We woke up at the Batanggas port at around 4am. We were the last passengers to be given tickets. A jeep took us to the boat and we were off to Mindoro. The boat ride lasted a little over 2 hours, for most of which we just spent on sleep. Good thing that the boat had double-decker beds. We were able to sleep and see the sunrise in Abra de Ilog.
The bus was packed when we got to the station (just outside the port). It was a very rickety and cramped bus. We almost didn’t make it to the bus because it looked like there was no more space. But the bus conductor thought otherwise. After a few minutes before leaving, we were able to find some part of the seats. The bus ride to Sablayan was long, bumpy and dusty.
The travel improved when we reached a dried up river. There was no dust so I was able to take pictures of the scenery. We reached Sablayan at about 930am. The boat trip was slow because we took the wrong bangka. And it was very noisy.
Reaching Pandan island felt like such an achievement. I didn’t mind the hassle of the whole trip. It was all worth it. Before dropping off the shore, we could already see the corals underneath the bangka. Even with the cast out sun, the day ahead was promising. We were welcomed by the receptionist at the bar & scooted to our rooms.
There we encountered a British guy & a pinay girl whom we immediately thought to be his exotic aglipay companion. Later during the day, we found out that she wasn’t. She was reading a novel. Anyway, we unpacked, had some snacks and headed for the beach. We were so hungry but lunchtime was set at 1pm, so we impatiently lounged at the beach for 2 hours. We almost didn’t have lunch because of some misunderstanding with the receptionist. Good thing that there were lots of extra food, so the kitchen crew cooked a little more food for us. After lunch, we went to rest. It had been a very tiring 8 hours of traveling. I couldn’t exactly remember what we did next. I think we hit the beach and did some snorkeling. The next highlight of the day was dinner. The food was great, healthy too. After dinner, we spent the first night in the bar for some drinks, chika and cool sea breeze.
Bucky & I woke up early the next day to catch the sunrise.
Bucky & I woke up early the next day to catch the sunrise.
It was so … peaceful. The air was cool, the tide was gently slapping at the shore. Everything was still. Bucky took so many pictures. After a full breakfast, we set off to snorkeling. The coral life was amazingly rich. There was a coral forest (no, just a not coral garden) a few meters away from the shore. There weren’t so many fish though. The highlight of the day was when we saw pawikans. I never knew I could see a pawikan in the wild. It was eating sea grass. I guess we were so excited and frisky in the water that they swam away from us. Bucky madly took underwater pictures. He even wanted to swim after the pawikan into the deep part of the shore. We walked the length of the shore from the bungalows to the farthest end of the shoreline. Then went to the beach again & had some refreshments at the bar.
We did some snorkeling starting at the east side of the island which turned out to be a bad decision because there were so many jellyfish. We got out of the water & headed for the west side of the island. We had a hard time snorkeling because the tide was low and the corals were almost skidding on our bellies. We saw pawikans again. The sun wasn’t very bright that afternoon so the visibility wasn’t really great. After the beach, we hit the showers and got ready for dinner. After a whole day of snorkeling & chilling at the beach, it was time to freshen up with salt water. While we were just waiting for the day to pass by, the British guy and his aglipay finally introduced himself to us. They were Alex & Zelda.
It was so great talking to him because he had so many stories to tell & he was so animated. I envied Zelda then. To be a tourist and spending nothing! Alex is just living off some investments in London so he has the luxury of traveling anywhere. How enviable. We sat down together for dinner & had some drinks at the bar afterwards. They had to leave early because Alex is an early sleeper. Tigulang na man gud according to Zelda. Haha.
The next day:
another guest arrived in the island. He was alone & kinda cute. I told Jaja to introduce himself right away. She was shy daw. Nyek. Denis did some fish feeding so we swam after him. We saw so many pawikans! I even touched one while it was feeding at the bottom of the beach. We alternately went to the bar and the beach, making sure we had enough strength to maximize our last full day in the island.
After lunch, we went snorkeling again. We almost swam into a tiny school of barracudas, which scared the hell out of Jaja & me because we thought Bucky’s frantic excitement was panic. After a few meters away from the barracudas, a coral snake shot out of the water & swam towards the shore. It was exciting & scary at the same time. We decided that we had enough excitement for the day. Besides, it was getting dark so we hit the shore, took some silly pictures & freshened up.
During dinner, Alex & Zelda were with the cute newcomer. Good thing that we were all sitting in the same table, so introductions were made & dinner became a lively chat. The newcomer was Matt. The food was great & the restaurant was packed! Apparently other locals arrived while were snorkeling and took the cottages at the west side of the island. Naturally, after dinner, we headed for the bar & started chatting with Matt. He told us about his other trips to Fiji, which turned out to be in Australia (I honestly didn’t know that…), his life in London, his plans to go teach in Japan & other stuff. At one point during the night, I got tipsy because of my rhum coke so I headed for the shore to get some brisk sea air. Soon after, Bucky followed me. Sensing that Jaja & Matt were deep into a conversation, we bolted from the shore & went to the cottage. Heck, I thought that she can take care of herself already. Besides, Matt looked & felt harmless. So Bucky & I slept (among other activities, hehe). Later during the night, I woke up to take a leak. Noticing that Jaja still wasn’t on her bed & that the bar was already closed, I scanned the shore, hoping I’ll see her or them. And I did. I saw 2 black figures, sitting, I think on the shore. I didn’t really hear their voices but I knew it was them. A little while after getting back to bed, I heard some whispering outside the cottage. It must’ve been them saying their goodbyes (however you do that properly…). After that, I was sound asleep until the next sunrise came.
Bucky & I woke up to see our last sunrise on the island.
Bucky & I woke up to see our last sunrise on the island.
Amazingly, Jaja also got up. And to think that she only had a few hours of sleep. Apparently, she couldn’t contain the excitement of her nocturnal adventures. According to her, Matt & her became… close. Let’s leave it at that. I was so happy for her. After her bad breakup with Mike, her life was slowly moving into place: getting a better job, having the chance to meet a new person & having to realize that life goes on after a bad fall. It was time to leave the island so we packed our stuff & had a hearty breakfast. While the concierge was preparing our bill, we were on the lookout for Matt. I even prodded Jaja to wake him up with a large & wet good morning cum goodbye kiss. Nahiya ang lola. Good thing that it took forever to prepare our bill. Alex came out for some last-minute chat. And Matt also came out looking very groggy & had bed marks on his face [pero cute pa rin sya. Haha!] He went to the office to check out also. Ayaw pang sundan ni Jaja, so I quickly made up an excuse to go to the office & made small talk. Success! Har, har! I benignly led him to where we were waiting and so Jaja & Matt met before we left. We took some bad pictures for documentation purposes.
With heavy hearts & feeling a great regret that the 3 days of bliss finally ended, we left Pandan. Took a very uneventful boat trip & bus ride back to manila. Uneventful, yet we were able to wistfully remember the events of the past 3 days all to our hearts’ content.
When we got back to manila, Jaja recounted her encounter for an umpeth time. But it was nice hearing the story over & over again. It affirmed “When God closes a door, He opens a window.”
The Pandan trip proved very fruitful for Jaja as people from her past life (aka Mozcom) began to discover her adventures. Mike eventually learned kung anong nabingwit nya sa Pandan. He must’ve felt wistful about the whole thing. I dunno. Buti nga sa kanya. Hope he rots wherever he is. [Hahaha! Vindictive bitch…]
Anyway, their official love affair here in Manila stretched up to 2 weeks, I think. Good for her. Jaja says she’s not going back to Pinoy longganiza. She found out about the “British” schublig.
Hahahaha!
Friday, June 24, 2005
Dysfunctional
My family attended a Family Encounter seminar last May. I remember telling a friend that the Family Encounter seminar was a futile attempt of my mother to find meaning in her life. I could slap myself for saying that now.
I finished my work hurriedly before leaving for the airport. I was too much in a hurry that I wasn’t able to buy even some GoNuts donuts. I really felt guilty going home without some pasalubong. When I arrived in Davao, I waited for Dad to be off before leaving for the retreat house. We were the last few families to be complete, hence, kami ang nag-delay sa activities. We had dinner and proceeded to our 1st activity, making a family poster. We drew a tree. Jesus was the roots, mom & dad were the trunk, we were the branches. We had fun doing the poster. There was a family presenter who shared their story. It went on until 12mn. We had to wake up at 5 in the freakin’ AM everyday to get ready for breakfast & the activities. It was very tiring. There were lots of activities. Two case families shared their stories that went on for about 2 hours each day. Imagine the boredom. Pero their stories were touching also. There were times when I caught myself drying my tears. We were asked to answer guide questions & share them with the family members after. It was nice knowing the thoughts of mom & dad & my brothers. I was especially touched because Og was very honest. He even cried when he shared his feelings & thoughts while he was in the US. It was only when he was there when he realized how he missed being in Davao and being with the family. It was also only during that time when he felt close to all of us. Onchie, on the other hand, was very frank though medyo indifferent when sharing his thoughts. He’s so detached, typical of a teenager. Feeling cool kasi.
For the past 8 years I have grown detached to my family. Ever since I went to college in AdMU, I felt emancipated from my mother’s clutches, from too much expectation, from pretending to be always responsible, from the person the person that my mother wants me to be. I’ve been running away from my mother for a very long time. Ever since I was a little girl, I felt great pressure from her. Good thing I was able to say this during the FE. There was an activity where we would discuss the person in the family whom I have a difficult relationship with. For me, it was mom. For years I’ve been trying to figure out why she pushes herself too much, and why she pushes all of us too much. I opened to all of them that she pressured me too much, that I felt she was always disappointed with me or what I do, that I and whatever I try to become is never enough. Nakaka-depress naman to… She listened naman. But I never got to know the reason why she always wants so much more, why she could never seem to be happy and content with herself and with her life. I forgot to ask her. When we were on that session, time was running out. So we had to hurry sharing our thoughts. We were also able to discuss Dad’s infidelity with Onchie. He took the discussion well, I think. For a 15-year old. He might be more mature than I thought. He had a strong hunch all the while.
After that discussion, there was an activity, with all the lights out except for candles. All the families were presented to the altar & blessed by the priest. Nainis lang ako when the priest pushed my forehead & I fell to the floor without really intending to. Mom and dad willingly “gave themselves up to the Lord”. I just didn’t believe in all that display of “faith”. It’s so Pharisee-istic. Kainis. Then we were given candles as a symbol of sharing our thoughts to all family members. We all cried, I think. Or except Onchie. Dad & mom hugged me tight and said sorry for all the things they. It was very touching at that time. I cried too. We waited for the activity to end while embracing each other.
After that, we heard mass. Onchie had so many question regarding faith & stuff. I tried my best to explain things the way he will understand it. I also told him that asking questions about faith is not bad or wrong. He seem to have gotten the idea that questioning the church or doctrine is bad because when he asks Mom, she would always reprimand him. So I told him that it’s OK, that even Jesus questioned doctrine during his time. It’s better to question one’s faith and doctrine in search for the truth than accepting in blind faith. God gave us the ability to think beyond what we are, we should be using it.
I don’t exactly know what mom is expecting to happen to us after the family encounter. I think she’s expecting that Og & Onchie will be more receptive to her. But I doubt it. 3 days will not change a person. It takes time & effort. She called me once to air out her disappointments. Again. Hay, ang hirap mag-alaga ng matanda…
Over all, it was a meaningful experience. It somehow healed the pain I felt due to my father’s infidelity. I finally was able to tell my mom to get off my back. And I was able to connect with my brothers. I really miss them. One of the things I regret is not being there when they were growing up. Ironically though, we became closer when I got started living in manila. I guess we cherished each other more because of the distance.
My family attended a Family Encounter seminar last May. I remember telling a friend that the Family Encounter seminar was a futile attempt of my mother to find meaning in her life. I could slap myself for saying that now.
I finished my work hurriedly before leaving for the airport. I was too much in a hurry that I wasn’t able to buy even some GoNuts donuts. I really felt guilty going home without some pasalubong. When I arrived in Davao, I waited for Dad to be off before leaving for the retreat house. We were the last few families to be complete, hence, kami ang nag-delay sa activities. We had dinner and proceeded to our 1st activity, making a family poster. We drew a tree. Jesus was the roots, mom & dad were the trunk, we were the branches. We had fun doing the poster. There was a family presenter who shared their story. It went on until 12mn. We had to wake up at 5 in the freakin’ AM everyday to get ready for breakfast & the activities. It was very tiring. There were lots of activities. Two case families shared their stories that went on for about 2 hours each day. Imagine the boredom. Pero their stories were touching also. There were times when I caught myself drying my tears. We were asked to answer guide questions & share them with the family members after. It was nice knowing the thoughts of mom & dad & my brothers. I was especially touched because Og was very honest. He even cried when he shared his feelings & thoughts while he was in the US. It was only when he was there when he realized how he missed being in Davao and being with the family. It was also only during that time when he felt close to all of us. Onchie, on the other hand, was very frank though medyo indifferent when sharing his thoughts. He’s so detached, typical of a teenager. Feeling cool kasi.
For the past 8 years I have grown detached to my family. Ever since I went to college in AdMU, I felt emancipated from my mother’s clutches, from too much expectation, from pretending to be always responsible, from the person the person that my mother wants me to be. I’ve been running away from my mother for a very long time. Ever since I was a little girl, I felt great pressure from her. Good thing I was able to say this during the FE. There was an activity where we would discuss the person in the family whom I have a difficult relationship with. For me, it was mom. For years I’ve been trying to figure out why she pushes herself too much, and why she pushes all of us too much. I opened to all of them that she pressured me too much, that I felt she was always disappointed with me or what I do, that I and whatever I try to become is never enough. Nakaka-depress naman to… She listened naman. But I never got to know the reason why she always wants so much more, why she could never seem to be happy and content with herself and with her life. I forgot to ask her. When we were on that session, time was running out. So we had to hurry sharing our thoughts. We were also able to discuss Dad’s infidelity with Onchie. He took the discussion well, I think. For a 15-year old. He might be more mature than I thought. He had a strong hunch all the while.
After that discussion, there was an activity, with all the lights out except for candles. All the families were presented to the altar & blessed by the priest. Nainis lang ako when the priest pushed my forehead & I fell to the floor without really intending to. Mom and dad willingly “gave themselves up to the Lord”. I just didn’t believe in all that display of “faith”. It’s so Pharisee-istic. Kainis. Then we were given candles as a symbol of sharing our thoughts to all family members. We all cried, I think. Or except Onchie. Dad & mom hugged me tight and said sorry for all the things they. It was very touching at that time. I cried too. We waited for the activity to end while embracing each other.
After that, we heard mass. Onchie had so many question regarding faith & stuff. I tried my best to explain things the way he will understand it. I also told him that asking questions about faith is not bad or wrong. He seem to have gotten the idea that questioning the church or doctrine is bad because when he asks Mom, she would always reprimand him. So I told him that it’s OK, that even Jesus questioned doctrine during his time. It’s better to question one’s faith and doctrine in search for the truth than accepting in blind faith. God gave us the ability to think beyond what we are, we should be using it.
I don’t exactly know what mom is expecting to happen to us after the family encounter. I think she’s expecting that Og & Onchie will be more receptive to her. But I doubt it. 3 days will not change a person. It takes time & effort. She called me once to air out her disappointments. Again. Hay, ang hirap mag-alaga ng matanda…
Over all, it was a meaningful experience. It somehow healed the pain I felt due to my father’s infidelity. I finally was able to tell my mom to get off my back. And I was able to connect with my brothers. I really miss them. One of the things I regret is not being there when they were growing up. Ironically though, we became closer when I got started living in manila. I guess we cherished each other more because of the distance.
We all belong to dysfunctional family. In more ways than one. It shapes us to be who we are today. But we also have our freedom to break away from the effects of that dysfunctionality.
make a step, take a chance, and break away ala Kelly Clarkson...
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Missing home...
I got this from a friend who's been to the US and back, thrice. It took him 3 times to realize where he's really happy.
Sana ako din, ma-realize na kung ano talaga ang gusto sa buhay...
"here is my thing: this is my 3rd stay here in the US. the first time i came, i was unhappy and came home after 6 months. the second time, i stayed for 3 months and missed pinas so bad. i thought i miss the modeling career i left and i thought i made a big mistake for leaving when i was on my peak...but it wasnt the modeling that i missed. i missed home. i missed my friends. i missed my dogs. i miss my loved ones. che wong , my family and elaine lim. so i came home. i worked again in manila as a model and even did 3 guest appearances in 3 abs cbn shows and 1 for gma. was i happy? nope so i thought that the US was the way to go again....so i went back.
it is 2 years now. made money. learned my 3rd language. met new friends. 2 levels from becoming a professional volleyball player here in the US. learned to be a bartender. learned so many things. got a scooter. bought a car. learned how to get around sunny tampa. with car or without. live in a cool place with model looking neighbors. travelled a lot. got immune to cats (been allergic for many years). starting to become known in the night life scene. starting to feel like manila...but am i happy? definitely not.
people say that my lovelife is just zero...but it is not. people say that it's due to weight gain...but it is not. never been happier weighing 200 pounds. why worry when i will no longer model. people say that it's due to my skin that has aged 10 years due to stress and allergies...but it is not.
i just miss something and i definitely miss davao. davao is my home. it is where i belong. a lot of people like me there and more hate me...but i dnt give a fuck. i miss our house in ecoland. i miss being able to take the jeep by just doing a 3 minute walk from our house to the kanto where claveria jeepneys pass by. i miss cheap massages. i miss SM davao even when i can only count how many times did i get to go to the place. but besides these shallow things, i miss my family so bad. i miss my youngest sister who is so funny and never seperated from me for many years til i moved here. i miss us driving late at night to grab a snack at dimsun diner or wherever our hearts desire. i miss making fun of myself in public places that drives her crazy she begs that i stop or else she'll pee in her pants. i miss my ate pia who never fails to be a bigger bitch than i am. i miss her cooking. i even miss her tantrums. i miss my mom who definitely is the best mom in the world. i miss my dad who makes me laugh because he is just so mayabang...and what's annoying is the fact that what he brags about is really impressive and TRUE. hate him! heheheh. i miss my best friend elaine who is always by my side no matter what. she never ditched me when i was in deep shit. i miss my ex-gf che who never failed as a partner even once. she is definitely the best woman any man can have. che made sure that my spirts were high and well even when hers were down. where else can you find a person who would put your happiness first before hers? i wish her and jorel the best.
i miss my life in davao.
i may make the biggest mistake in my life for letting go of the american dream but 3 tries are more then enough for me to know that this country is not for me.
i will be back in davao. i dnt know what's in store for me. i dnt know what field will i pursue this time. i dnt know if i will make new friends. i dnt know if life will be better...but one thing is for sure....
davao is home and davao will make me feel happy again.
and i wish that i find that something i have been looking for for many years now.
life is not life if you are unhappy."
How TRUE.
I got this from a friend who's been to the US and back, thrice. It took him 3 times to realize where he's really happy.
Sana ako din, ma-realize na kung ano talaga ang gusto sa buhay...
"here is my thing: this is my 3rd stay here in the US. the first time i came, i was unhappy and came home after 6 months. the second time, i stayed for 3 months and missed pinas so bad. i thought i miss the modeling career i left and i thought i made a big mistake for leaving when i was on my peak...but it wasnt the modeling that i missed. i missed home. i missed my friends. i missed my dogs. i miss my loved ones. che wong , my family and elaine lim. so i came home. i worked again in manila as a model and even did 3 guest appearances in 3 abs cbn shows and 1 for gma. was i happy? nope so i thought that the US was the way to go again....so i went back.
it is 2 years now. made money. learned my 3rd language. met new friends. 2 levels from becoming a professional volleyball player here in the US. learned to be a bartender. learned so many things. got a scooter. bought a car. learned how to get around sunny tampa. with car or without. live in a cool place with model looking neighbors. travelled a lot. got immune to cats (been allergic for many years). starting to become known in the night life scene. starting to feel like manila...but am i happy? definitely not.
people say that my lovelife is just zero...but it is not. people say that it's due to weight gain...but it is not. never been happier weighing 200 pounds. why worry when i will no longer model. people say that it's due to my skin that has aged 10 years due to stress and allergies...but it is not.
i just miss something and i definitely miss davao. davao is my home. it is where i belong. a lot of people like me there and more hate me...but i dnt give a fuck. i miss our house in ecoland. i miss being able to take the jeep by just doing a 3 minute walk from our house to the kanto where claveria jeepneys pass by. i miss cheap massages. i miss SM davao even when i can only count how many times did i get to go to the place. but besides these shallow things, i miss my family so bad. i miss my youngest sister who is so funny and never seperated from me for many years til i moved here. i miss us driving late at night to grab a snack at dimsun diner or wherever our hearts desire. i miss making fun of myself in public places that drives her crazy she begs that i stop or else she'll pee in her pants. i miss my ate pia who never fails to be a bigger bitch than i am. i miss her cooking. i even miss her tantrums. i miss my mom who definitely is the best mom in the world. i miss my dad who makes me laugh because he is just so mayabang...and what's annoying is the fact that what he brags about is really impressive and TRUE. hate him! heheheh. i miss my best friend elaine who is always by my side no matter what. she never ditched me when i was in deep shit. i miss my ex-gf che who never failed as a partner even once. she is definitely the best woman any man can have. che made sure that my spirts were high and well even when hers were down. where else can you find a person who would put your happiness first before hers? i wish her and jorel the best.
i miss my life in davao.
i may make the biggest mistake in my life for letting go of the american dream but 3 tries are more then enough for me to know that this country is not for me.
i will be back in davao. i dnt know what's in store for me. i dnt know what field will i pursue this time. i dnt know if i will make new friends. i dnt know if life will be better...but one thing is for sure....
davao is home and davao will make me feel happy again.
and i wish that i find that something i have been looking for for many years now.
life is not life if you are unhappy."
How TRUE.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Plagerized Entry from a Plagerized Entry
Plagerized from http://unsegundoenelcamino.blogspot.com .
SERiES 0NE - YOU
Birth time: no idea
Last place you traveled: airport
Eye Color: black/brown
Nail Color: pale purplish-pink [ang lamig kasi dito sa ofc. brrrr....]
Height: 5'4"
Zodiac Sign: mer-goat = capricorn
SERiES TW0 - DESCRiBE
Your heritage: Mom - bastard Kastila; Dad - pure indio
The shoes you wore today: pointy caramel sling-back pumps
Your hair: relaxed
Your weakness: travelling
Your fears: losing my loved ones
Your perfect pizza: yellow cab!!!
One thing you'd like to achieve: US$1M
Your life is: "The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation" - Simone de Bivouxe (spell check?); quoted from Shall We Dance (Richard Gere, Susan Sarandon, J Lo)
SERiES THREE - WHAT IS...
Your most overused phrase on aim/msn: hehe
Your thoughts first waking up: why do i have to wake up??????
Your current worry: not having enuf savings
Your plans tomorrow: go home to davao
Your best physical feature: my soul. (physical nga e. tigas talaga ng ulo...)
Your greatest accomplishment: slowing down & smelling the flowers
SERiES F0UR - Y0U PREFER
Sunrise or sunset: boracay sunset
Gore or horror: Horror
Eastsiiiide or wessssside: watda?
Stripes or polka dots: stripes
Money or fame: Money. fame doesn't grow in interest
Planes or trains: Planes. para kung ma-aksidente, patay agad.
Metal or hardcore: hardcore what?
Boxers or briefs: none. hihihi!
Pools or hot tubs: hot pool
SERiES FiVE - D0 Y0U
Cuss: yep
Do you think you've been in love: I am in love
Want to get married: married? yes, in 3-5 yrs... yikes...
Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: oh yes. i was very diligent & competitive in my high school typing class
Like to take baths: yes
Get motion sickness: no. trained early. i was dragged by everybody from one province to another (visayas-mindanao) when i was still a baby
Like talking on the phone: no. it burns my ear...
Like thunderstorms: yes, when i'm nestled under the sheets & watching a good movie or reading a good book
Play an instrument: the computer
Workout: ye. am a retired volleyball varsity player. so the drive to keep a healthy & fit body always kicks in
Like reading: yes, though i haven't read a book in quite a while. tried reading Clancy. Found it too dragging. so i'm hunting for a new book/genre now...
Plagerized from http://unsegundoenelcamino.blogspot.com .
SERiES 0NE - YOU
Birth time: no idea
Last place you traveled: airport
Eye Color: black/brown
Nail Color: pale purplish-pink [ang lamig kasi dito sa ofc. brrrr....]
Height: 5'4"
Zodiac Sign: mer-goat = capricorn
SERiES TW0 - DESCRiBE
Your heritage: Mom - bastard Kastila; Dad - pure indio
The shoes you wore today: pointy caramel sling-back pumps
Your hair: relaxed
Your weakness: travelling
Your fears: losing my loved ones
Your perfect pizza: yellow cab!!!
One thing you'd like to achieve: US$1M
Your life is: "The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation" - Simone de Bivouxe (spell check?); quoted from Shall We Dance (Richard Gere, Susan Sarandon, J Lo)
SERiES THREE - WHAT IS...
Your most overused phrase on aim/msn: hehe
Your thoughts first waking up: why do i have to wake up??????
Your current worry: not having enuf savings
Your plans tomorrow: go home to davao
Your best physical feature: my soul. (physical nga e. tigas talaga ng ulo...)
Your greatest accomplishment: slowing down & smelling the flowers
SERiES F0UR - Y0U PREFER
Sunrise or sunset: boracay sunset
Gore or horror: Horror
Eastsiiiide or wessssside: watda?
Stripes or polka dots: stripes
Money or fame: Money. fame doesn't grow in interest
Planes or trains: Planes. para kung ma-aksidente, patay agad.
Metal or hardcore: hardcore what?
Boxers or briefs: none. hihihi!
Pools or hot tubs: hot pool
SERiES FiVE - D0 Y0U
Cuss: yep
Do you think you've been in love: I am in love
Want to get married: married? yes, in 3-5 yrs... yikes...
Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: oh yes. i was very diligent & competitive in my high school typing class
Like to take baths: yes
Get motion sickness: no. trained early. i was dragged by everybody from one province to another (visayas-mindanao) when i was still a baby
Like talking on the phone: no. it burns my ear...
Like thunderstorms: yes, when i'm nestled under the sheets & watching a good movie or reading a good book
Play an instrument: the computer
Workout: ye. am a retired volleyball varsity player. so the drive to keep a healthy & fit body always kicks in
Like reading: yes, though i haven't read a book in quite a while. tried reading Clancy. Found it too dragging. so i'm hunting for a new book/genre now...
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
I sent this letter to Pau. She's still in India and will be celebrating her 25th birthday there.
"Hey. I refuse to work. Sobrang sakit ng ulo ko. Not because of hang-over but because of puyat. We left bellissima last night at around 2am na. 11pm na kasi kami nakaalis ng house. Kaming girls lang, with tatot & nina's 2 friends, one was is a guy na dapat i-setup kay jaja. Pero walang nangyari. Di naman sya kinausap ng guy. Mahiyain yata. Mas nag-usap pa ung guy at si tatot. Baka nga sila ang mag-date e. hehe. Maj also came. Sya ang highlight of the night. Pano kasi, sila na ni Jaime perdices at mukhang break na talaga sila ni alexi. 2x pa lang daw sila nag-uusap ni alexi ever since they broke up last april. We got her new phone & spied on her pictures. Puro pictures nila ni Jaime. They went to panglao island (bohol) kasi. May ibang censored pa. Hay,yang kaibigan mo talaga. Di mo alam kung maiinis o matutuwa sa kanya.
Naga-angst ka daw about ur 25th bday. Hehe. Oo nga naman. At this point in our lives, bdays shouldn’t count anymore. Hehe. I stopped counting when I hit 21. I always forget my age now. Every year, I always find myself subtracting my birth year from the current year to get my age. How pathetic is that…. =)
I'm going home to davao this weekend for a family encounter seminar. My mom's attempt to find meaning in her life. Midlife crisis talaga ito. I'm hesitant to go. Feeling ko kasi it will not change anything. O well, martial law kami ng nanay ko...
Anyway, hope to hear from u. =)"
I feel so bangag right now. My mind isn't working. I just want to catch up on my sleep.
My officemate brought a cutout of the AIT advertisement from a newspaper. I was wondering if it was a sign I was ignoring. Why haven't I updated my resume and sent it to them? Malay mo, matanggap ako... And the main reason for my apprehension is Bucky. I don't want him to be shocked with the sudden news and reality of us being apart. He seems... weak, when it comes to dealing with this issue. I feel like he's not supporting me in my quest to look for a better job abroad. Which got me into thinking: granting that I'll be able to work in Singapore for 2 years, what will happen to me when I get back? Will there still be jobs for me? Will I still be marketable? I guess, I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Meanwhile, I cannot ignore the fact that I want to work abroad. I don't want to live with the what-ifs and blame all of my issues on other people.
Being an adult is a tough job...
Im brain-dead.
Ever since yesterday, I’ve been very busy the whole day. I don’t even have time to surf anymore. Well, this is a welcome break for me. At least my brain is still working.
After almost 2 months of compiling memories & pictures of 2003 – 2004, I finally finished my blog. Complete with pictures. Kinareer po ang pag-blog. Though I should say that I got tired of writing down my thoughts regarding a particular event. Nakakapagod.
Speaking of nakakapagod, this day has been so draining. My brain’s just not functioning right now…. Zzzzz……….
Ever since yesterday, I’ve been very busy the whole day. I don’t even have time to surf anymore. Well, this is a welcome break for me. At least my brain is still working.
After almost 2 months of compiling memories & pictures of 2003 – 2004, I finally finished my blog. Complete with pictures. Kinareer po ang pag-blog. Though I should say that I got tired of writing down my thoughts regarding a particular event. Nakakapagod.
Speaking of nakakapagod, this day has been so draining. My brain’s just not functioning right now…. Zzzzz……….
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