Dysfunctional

My family attended a Family Encounter seminar last May. I remember telling a friend that the Family Encounter seminar was a futile attempt of my mother to find meaning in her life. I could slap myself for saying that now.

I finished my work hurriedly before leaving for the airport. I was too much in a hurry that I wasn’t able to buy even some GoNuts donuts. I really felt guilty going home without some pasalubong. When I arrived in Davao, I waited for Dad to be off before leaving for the retreat house. We were the last few families to be complete, hence, kami ang nag-delay sa activities. We had dinner and proceeded to our 1st activity, making a family poster. We drew a tree. Jesus was the roots, mom & dad were the trunk, we were the branches. We had fun doing the poster. There was a family presenter who shared their story. It went on until 12mn. We had to wake up at 5 in the freakin’ AM everyday to get ready for breakfast & the activities. It was very tiring. There were lots of activities. Two case families shared their stories that went on for about 2 hours each day. Imagine the boredom. Pero their stories were touching also. There were times when I caught myself drying my tears. We were asked to answer guide questions & share them with the family members after. It was nice knowing the thoughts of mom & dad & my brothers. I was especially touched because Og was very honest. He even cried when he shared his feelings & thoughts while he was in the US. It was only when he was there when he realized how he missed being in Davao and being with the family. It was also only during that time when he felt close to all of us. Onchie, on the other hand, was very frank though medyo indifferent when sharing his thoughts. He’s so detached, typical of a teenager. Feeling cool kasi.

For the past 8 years I have grown detached to my family. Ever since I went to college in AdMU, I felt emancipated from my mother’s clutches, from too much expectation, from pretending to be always responsible, from the person the person that my mother wants me to be. I’ve been running away from my mother for a very long time. Ever since I was a little girl, I felt great pressure from her. Good thing I was able to say this during the FE. There was an activity where we would discuss the person in the family whom I have a difficult relationship with. For me, it was mom. For years I’ve been trying to figure out why she pushes herself too much, and why she pushes all of us too much. I opened to all of them that she pressured me too much, that I felt she was always disappointed with me or what I do, that I and whatever I try to become is never enough. Nakaka-depress naman to… She listened naman. But I never got to know the reason why she always wants so much more, why she could never seem to be happy and content with herself and with her life. I forgot to ask her. When we were on that session, time was running out. So we had to hurry sharing our thoughts. We were also able to discuss Dad’s infidelity with Onchie. He took the discussion well, I think. For a 15-year old. He might be more mature than I thought. He had a strong hunch all the while.

After that discussion, there was an activity, with all the lights out except for candles. All the families were presented to the altar & blessed by the priest. Nainis lang ako when the priest pushed my forehead & I fell to the floor without really intending to. Mom and dad willingly “gave themselves up to the Lord”. I just didn’t believe in all that display of “faith”. It’s so Pharisee-istic. Kainis. Then we were given candles as a symbol of sharing our thoughts to all family members. We all cried, I think. Or except Onchie. Dad & mom hugged me tight and said sorry for all the things they. It was very touching at that time. I cried too. We waited for the activity to end while embracing each other.

After that, we heard mass. Onchie had so many question regarding faith & stuff. I tried my best to explain things the way he will understand it. I also told him that asking questions about faith is not bad or wrong. He seem to have gotten the idea that questioning the church or doctrine is bad because when he asks Mom, she would always reprimand him. So I told him that it’s OK, that even Jesus questioned doctrine during his time. It’s better to question one’s faith and doctrine in search for the truth than accepting in blind faith. God gave us the ability to think beyond what we are, we should be using it.

I don’t exactly know what mom is expecting to happen to us after the family encounter. I think she’s expecting that Og & Onchie will be more receptive to her. But I doubt it. 3 days will not change a person. It takes time & effort. She called me once to air out her disappointments. Again. Hay, ang hirap mag-alaga ng matanda…

Over all, it was a meaningful experience. It somehow healed the pain I felt due to my father’s infidelity. I finally was able to tell my mom to get off my back. And I was able to connect with my brothers. I really miss them. One of the things I regret is not being there when they were growing up. Ironically though, we became closer when I got started living in manila. I guess we cherished each other more because of the distance.

We all belong to dysfunctional family. In more ways than one. It shapes us to be who we are today. But we also have our freedom to break away from the effects of that dysfunctionality.

make a step, take a chance, and break away ala Kelly Clarkson...