A Pleaseant Suprise ...

A little while after I joined Smart almost 2 years ago, I realized that I got the short end of the stick, having negotiated my pay to fall below my expectations. But since at that time, I just wanted to get away from AIU, I took the bait, open-eyed, even if I knew it would kill me.

So I traded less money for less stress. Which did I prefer? I thought I wanted money, rationalizing that I still had my energy and my youth, that I could take the beating in AIU. I didn't want to go back to AIU but at the same time depressed that I wasn't earning as much as I wanted. So I felt powerless again.

The funny thing is AIU and/or Headstrong wanted me back. But my pysche and my body took such a beating that just thinking of working in AIU again gave me migraine. I didn't seriously think about returning to AIU when they were calling me just months after I joined Smart. When there was an opening again around Feb this year, I went through a series of interviews, first with HR, then with a project manager, then with the VP for Dev. I think everything went fine until HR wanted to have a copy of my payslip before they make the final offer. How offending could that be?

At that time, my pay had already been restructured (thank God!) to reflect the acceptable market rate for my experience & skills (acc to HR) so I got a considerable increase. I also increased my asking rate, knowing that they don't pay OT and the workhours are very long and the workload demanding. Maybe they didn't believe me. But I got so turned off that I kept ignoring my nice ex-PM's effort to talk to me. Ayaw ko ng mapasubo.

Sooooo, I was stuck with Smart. Why did I even contemplate leaving? I felt unappreciated by my own group head, that the interfacing manager was picking on me, that I was less of a person because I do not understand SAP the way a developer understands it, that what I do is just the "bullshit" part. Even with all the snags, I tried appreciating the world I was in. There were snags along the way, but hey, that's life. It's not perfect, and it's often not fair. But it's the only one I've got. So taking things as they come, I felt more at peace with myself. Maybe I was expecting too much of myself.

And then I was informed early this September, that I was being upgraded to "Sr. Software Devt Analyst". The title doesn't really matter to me. But the validation of the hard work & the crap & bullshit I had to take made feel better. Being the realistic & pragmatic person that I am, I wasn't exactly thrilled about the upgrade. Things at work will be the same. I'm guessing now that it might get more demanding because people are expecting more from me. But what the heck...

I can't say the same is true for the way I feel about my salary. I can't wait to see my new payslip! Fervently crossing my fingers that the increase will be substantial. (Yelp!) When I see my new pay, I will start thinking again about leaving for Singapore. So far there are 3 things that will affect my decision:
1) the pay there is twice my pay here
2) I want to experience living in a different country for once & be independent from anybody, including Bucky
-i have to do this before getting married, which will be in the next 3 years max. so if i plan to live abroad for 2 yrs, I need leave next year)
3) the risk of losing Bucky

So far, I'm still torn between what I want and what I fear will happen if I leave. Bucky said himself that I shouldn't live in fear of things that are yet to happen. I shouldn't live in fear of losing him.

I have 6 more months to think about these. And so we shall see.