ah, MEN ...

-- this was taken from Robbie's friendster bulletin. some girls might think that these rules are so ... inane or downright disgusting and offending, but i had a blast reading it. maybe i think too much like a man...

DUDE RULES: TO BE STRICTLY FOLLOWED

Part II

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.

2. When you are queried by a dude's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very
existence.

3. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

4. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another dude who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

5. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty as a dude. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having s*x with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your
bachelor party.

6. Before dating a dude's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

7. The universal compensation for dudes who help you move is beer.

8. A dude must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

9. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pals significant dIck-heads--- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.

10. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with a dude you know, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

11. If a dude is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to
think, "What this guy needs is a good a*s-whoopin", then you may sit back
and enjoy.

12. If a dude is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

13. Before allowing a drunken dude to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "F*CK OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.

DUDE RULES: Part I

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
After wrecking your boss' car.
One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
When she is using her teeth. (hahahaha )

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 4 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity Alco pop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
Yeah, Baby, Push it!
C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e.Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you
not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.