My 28th Bday, and then after…

I’m writing this blog exactly 93 days after my birthday.

Since then, I’ve gained a lot insight, faced a lot of fears, and I could say that right now, while I’m writing this, I am acting my age.

But first, I think I need to write about that day.

As I have decided to go back to Manila on my bday so that I wouldn’t have to apply for a VL on Jan 3, I woke up early to do some final preparations before my 8am flight. I was barely able to wink because my brothers and I went driving around a neighboring village so that they could practice driving with me for the last time. Since it was new year, and into the wee hours of the morning, I risked letting them both drive into the highway and go to Shell Select in Ecoland. And since it was my birthday, we decided to get some coffee, junk food and cake to celebrate. We went home at around 2am.

The next day, I said goodbye to my still-asleep brothers, and went to the airport with mom. I saw Jenny Ong in the airport, on her way to Manila also.

Bucky still wasn’t in Manila so I had to take a cab home. After unloading my stuff, I wrestled between sleeping and giving myself a half-day-of-pampering in the spa. Realizing that I could in fact get some rest in the spa, I went to Greenbelt. I had a facial, massage, pedicure and foot scrub. It felt nice, though the massage was quite rough. I told myself that my spa-day was a treat to myself, being 28 and all. It was already dark when I finally got myself out of the spa. I heard mass in Greenbelt chapel, and had a quiet dinner by myself in Via Mare. I thought that I didn’t want to impose on anybody to spend dinner with me on my birthday. Besides, nobody of my close friends was in Manila.

Yes, by myself. It didn’t really bother me. Besides the practical side of the matter, meaning that none of my friends, including Bucky, were in Manila, I thought it “fit” to spend my 28th birthday by myself. Face my scary age head on.

When I was in high school, I thought that at 28, I’d be what I always wanted to be in life: successful, beautiful, wise, and I’d know how to dress, put on make up, and be fabulous. Even married with a kid or two. Thinking of it now, it seems I’m far from what I thought my life would be. But is that really scary, not having the life you think you’ll have? Is it really scary being 28 and be what I am now?

Maybe not. Maybe I thought wrong when I was younger. Right now, I don’t think I’ll be really happy if I were successful, or beautiful, or fabulous. Besides, how could I really measure these things? Does having a paycheck and a title make one successful? Do having clothes and shoes and bags and makeup make one beautiful and fabulous? Do these things matter?

Last February, when the reality of Paula and my supervisor’s departure finally hit me, I had a mini-panic attack. I thought that I wasn’t going anywhere, that I was just floating around. Maybe because 28 is so close to 30 and I haven’t done the things I have been wanting to do yet.

But surprisingly, having some time to reflect, I feel like I’m better now. I chanced upon a “farewell” email from an ex-officemate who resigned last year. In summary, it said that even though we make plans, we should always remember that we live in God’s grace. I don’t really know what God has intended me to do in this world, but I guess He wills me to find out for myself. And so I will plan, as best as I could. But if things don’t go my way, then maybe there’s something else for me. And each time I try, I hope I learn more about myself, about what matters most in life. I guess in the end, what will really matter is how we’ve tried to live our lives, how we tried to make the best out of the life given to us.

I’ll stick to my plan, give it a shot, and see from there.